wallflower | taekook

forty one.

"Being alone never felt right.
Sometimes it felt good, but it
never felt right."
— Charles Bukowski

Jungkook POV

Some days were better than others. The good days were ones when Yoongi brought over some good food and I could manage to get some down without emptying all the contents in the bathroom once he left. The bad ones were like yesterday, when I'd suddenly come to realize what state I was in and I felt like I could see how far I have to go, and I could feel that heavy pit of doubt in my stomach. I couldn't make it that far to get where I wanted to be.

The road was too long and there were no shortcuts. And Yoongi was desperately trying to hold my hand and keep my head above water. Maybe that's the only thing I had going for me, I certainly didn't believe in myself.

He came in a minute ago with a glass of water and I thanked him, "No problem Kook." he would always respond.

I pushed myself out of bed and went to take my medication in my bathroom. Yoongi and Jimin had went out and bought me a few things, gifts of encourage through a recover process they said. The small pink pill holder labeled with a section for each day of the week was one of those gifs.

I opened the lid for tuesday and tossed back the small pink pill and a second white one. Without looking up at my reflection I set the pill holder back on the shelf and left the bathroom, I knew what I looked like. I didn't need to see the permanent frown and deepening bags.

There was muffled voices coming from outside my bedroom and I knew Jimin was here as well. Him and Yoongi were the only ones that came to see me this past week or so.

"Good morning!" Jimin chirped as I walked out and into the kitchen with them. Yoongi was making two plates of breakfast and sliding one over to his boyfriend.

I managed a small smile and sat down next to him on the other stool. "Morning hyung."

Yoongi wordlessly handed a plate over to me and I could feel my stomach knotting up. He gave me a look and I just kept my eyes on the food, "Thank you hyung."

Jimin started to eat the small dish of rice and beans, of course having cut fruit on the side. He was babbling on about something that I'd usually be more than interested to listen to, but all I can think about was the sweat forming on the back of my neck and the headache pushing its way into my temples.

"I'm going to shower." I mumbled, the food on my plate was barely touched as I got up and went back to my room.

The click of the lock on my door was quiet, but my footsteps away from the bathroom were quieter. I yanked open the drawer to my nightstand and saw the pitiful contents of a used tissues and a pair of broken headphones. These were the bad days when I wish I didn't let Yoongi take everything and throw it out.

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, hands shaking as they ran through my hair and tugged at the roots. The flashbacks were bad sometimes, usually at night when I couldn't sleep and I'd remember so vividly what it was like to feel that way — the simplicity of a mind at ease from any stress or heartbreak. I wanted it. I wanted to feel that way again.

But I knew I couldn't. I knew that and it made my head hurt and my stomach feel queasy. My teeth chewed on my bottom lip and I felt like throwing up every time I thought about asking for help. Whatever it was looking out for me, I wanted to thank them the second the doorknob shook with someone's grasp; and then a click soon after as the lock was undone.

"Jungkook?" his voice was mildly worried and I looked up at my friend with a forced smile. "How's that shower coming?" Yoongi asked. There was a hint of a joke in his tone, but the rest was all knowing of the truth.

I laced my fingers together and held them tightly on my lap, "It's not."

"Well, hurry up if you're going to take one," he said pushing the bedroom door wide open, "Hobi will be here in an hour to take you to the cafe and the bookstore, you need to get out."

I nodded and stayed in my seated position on the bed. There was still a faint taste of blood on my tongue from chewing on my lip.

Yoongi was about to walk out, but his hand rested on the doorknob and his eyes on me, "Keep this open yeah? No need for locked doors anymore."

I hated it. I hated changing into a new pair of clothes that wasn't my sweatpants or oversized t-shirt with holes in it. I hated walking out to the kitchen and having their conversation quiet down because I knew they were talking about me. I hated the stares and the way they were treating me like a child, always needing to be watched and kept from doing something stupid. It made a lump form in my throat and a seed of self loathing plant itself in my chest.

"Hey Kookie." Jimin smiled. His smiles have seemed to be more sad recently. I wonder what mine would look like.

I went to grab my shoes and mumbled a quiet greeting as I tugged on my boots. "When is Hobi hyung getting here?" I asked.

There was a knock on the door right after that answered my question for me. I pulled open the door to reveal a grinning Hoseok with his hands tucked into his jean pockets. "Can little Jungkookie come out and play?" he directed his question at a tired Yoongi behind me like he was asking my father if I could leave the house. I felt my lips actually tug into a small smile at that.

"Bring him back by dinner or feed him yourself." Yoongi said, "And here." he tossed me my phone from the counter and I thanked him for that.

The lock screen only showed one text, it was a simple one from my mom and another smile was easier to form at her cute morning message. I didn't expect a text from anyone else anymore.

• ♡ •
hit that star!!
I'm tired of sad angsty stuff
i'm ready to get to happy fluffy
taekook 🥰💗💘💓🌻✨🌸💝
soon of course