Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 21

TIM POV: The girls have been freaked out since the last seizure. They didn't know what to do without Faith there. I can't blame them. They shouldn't have to worry about things like that. 

My condition is getting gradually worse. Since the seizure, it's starting to get worse faster. Looking at Faith and the girls, I realized that I have so much to tell them, but not enough time to say it. So I've started writing letters. I'm keeping them in shoe boxes in my closet. Faith won't see them till she cleans out my things. I'll leave one with Mom to give to Faith right after I die. 

I'm planning this out, so Faith will always be finding new letters. I have conditions written on the envelope, like don't open till Gracie's 16th birthday, and so on. I wrote letters for the girls too. I want to give them something that they can hold onto. I've been writing about twelve letters a day. I have to write them now, before my memory starts to go again. I don't want to leave them with my scattered words. 

More importantly, I have to admit all my wrong-doings to Faith. Yet, I'm too scared to tell her in person. I feel like such a coward writing a letter to explain it, but I feel as if she'll leave. I can't afford to have her leave now. I'd rather her hate me after I'm gone, than to hate me while I'm here suffering. I just want to see her smile... 

Carrie and I have been seeing each other more often now. It's shameful. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but whenever I hear her voice, I can't seem to help myself. I feel like such a pig. I should be home with the girls... 

"Hey." Carrie says, opening the door to her apartment. She's wearing my t-shirt with her hair tied up. 

"Hey." I say. She walks into her room, then turns around to kiss me. I attempt to stop her, but my resistance doesn't last long. 

Carrie looks over at me and smiles, making me feel sick inside. When I'm with her, I forget about the cancer. When I'm with Faith, that's all I think about. It confuses me... That's the only reason I've been keeping this fling with Carrie going. 

"Hey honey," I say, knowing I need to break this off before it's too late. 

"Yeah?" She says, readjusting herself so her head is resting on my hand. 

"We should stop." I say. Carrie looks a little stunned. 

"What do you-" She starts. "this?" 

"Yeah." I say. 

"Why? Did I do something?" She says, sitting up and seeming almost insecure. 

"No, it's just..." I start. "I have a family, Carrie. I have to be there for them right now. My days are numbered, and the girls aren't going to be able to get any of the time that you and I spend together back." I say, getting dressed. Carrie nods, staring down at her feet. 

"I understand." She says. 

"I'm sorry." I say. She nods, avoiding eye contact. I walk towards the door, grabbing my keys on the way out. I look back to see her wiping tears in her room. Part of my wants to hold her, but I know that I can't. The deed is done.