Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 24

FAITH POV: Today's the service. I haven't stopped crying since it happened. I can't get the image out of my head. I want so much to remember his brown eyes and infectious laugh, but I can remember is the pieces of his head... and the blood and gore. I haven't slept since. To be honest, I haven't breathed either. 

I had to talk to the police, since I shot the intruder. They told me who he was and what he was doing in our house. He was a heroine addict, searching for some valuables to sell for more heroine. It makes my skin crawl. His name was David. 

David... Why him? Why us? What did we do to deserve this? What did he do? What did I do... 

Betty has let us stay with her for a bit. The thought of sleeping in that house makes me sick. Everything makes me sick now... 

"You couldn't have done anything." Betty tells me as I stare at myself in the mirror. I've lost at least ten pounds since he died a week ago. I haven't been able to eat... 

"I should've realized he wasn't dead." I say. 

"You can't change the past." She says, handing me a jacket. 

"He knew he was still alive. I didn't pay attention to him.... I should've paid attention..." I say. 

"Faith, you can't do anything now." She says. I nod and get up to get in the car. 

The girls didn't see him, which was a blessing. I know they could never handle that. I can't handle it... They've been having a hard time with this. Gracie's been having nightmares about David. She wakes up screaming "get away from my dad". It makes me sob. I can't handle this.... We were supposed to have three more months... He wasn't supposed to go like this... 

We pull into the cemetery. I hold on tightly to Gracie and Maggie's hands, as Betty holds onto Audrey. I see the coffin. My knees being to feel weak, as we get closer. The coffin sits a few inches above the ground, leaving a small gap to peer down into the grave. I look at the dirt down there and feel faint. He hated the dark... 

"We are gathered here today-" the priest begins. I zone out, staring at the wooden box. I just want one more hug, one more laugh, one more word... one more anything from him. We were meant to go together...

The overcast sky begins to trickle down rain, as the service wraps up. Everyone begins to leave, since the service is now complete. The girls and I stay behind. Betty still holds tight onto Audrey. 

"You girls have anything to say to Daddy?" Betty says. I shut my eyes tightly as tears fall down steadily. They all walk up to the coffin. Maggie rubs it and whispers. 

"Goodbye Daddy." I turn around to try and gain my composure, but it only gets worse when I turn back towards the girls. 

"Bye daddy. Love you." Gracie says. Audrey stands there, barely taller than it, and puts her arm around it, as if to give it a hug. 

"Night night, Papa. Love you." She says, walking back over to Betty and I. Her eyes are full of small tears. Betty picks her up and wipes them away. She looks at me and nods. She takes the girls back to the car as it begins to pour. I stand behind, staring at my husband. 

"I love you." I say, looking at the coffin. "I love you so damn much. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm so lucky to have had you in my life. I would trade a million years alone, for one more day with you." I take a second to breathe. I sob. "Just promise me you're okay, and not in pain. Just promise that you'll watch over the girls. They need you. I need you." I say. Lightning flashes across the sky. "I will always love you."

I walk back over to the car, feeling almost relieved. Maybe the lightning was a sign. Maybe that was him understanding me... I try to convince myself. I open the car door, and look back to him. I see the coffin being lowered down in the ground. I start to lose it. 

My knees give out as one hand grasps onto the car door for support, and the other covers my mouth. 

"No... no..." I cry. Betty gets out and tries to help me up, but I'm to busy crying to move. "Why.... no...." I scream. "Leave him alone." I say, covering my eyes.

Once we get back to Betty's house, she hands me a letter. I look at it, but it doesn't have anything on the outer envelope. I look up at Betty, seeing if she is going to say anything. 

"Just read it." She says, giving a brief smile, then turning and leaving the room. I open it up cautiously to see that it's from Tim. I take a deep breath before reading. 

Dear Faith, if you're reading this, it means I'm gone and you're still here. I'm so sorry I couldn't stay honey. I would give anything to have just one more year with you and the girls. Just one more year to set everything right... Unfortunately, I don't have more time. I wish I could tell you everything, but again, I don't have the time. That's why I wrote these letters. There's a few shoe boxes full in my closet. Please, please, please... do not read them until you're supposed to. Some have specific dates/events/sequence they are meant for, others don't. Just... please remember me. Make sure the girls get their letters at the intended times too. Honey, I love you more than life itself. You made my life worth living. I don't know what I'd do without you. 

Some of these letters aren't exactly things I want you to remember me by, but they are things you deserve to know... Things that I'm ashamed of, and should've honestly told you before. No matter how angry you are at me, I need for you to make sure the girls remember me in a good way. They are everything to me, and I don't want them to feel that my decisions were based on them, or my love to them. They have, and will always, mean the universe to me. 

I love you Faith. -Tim