Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 25

TIM POV: Watching her crying kills me. I just want to calm her down, hold her, sing to her, anything possible to stop her cries. The only thing that kills me more than death itself, was her sorrow. 

So this is life after death? I can only watch her for so long before I lose my mind...

I want to hold her so much. I want to just tell her everything is okay, but I can't. She can't hear or feel me. At most, she feels a cool breeze. A cool breeze isn't exactly enough to calm a woman in mourning. 

My job now is to be her guardian angel. I can watch her and the kids, but I'm supposed to focus on her. She needs me more apparently. It's honest torture... I just get to watch everything I screwed up and left unfinished. 

When Faith sleeps, I can see her dreams, if I want. That's the only perk I've found to this whole afterlife idea. Her nightmares are horrifying though... She has yet had a good dream since I've passed... 

I sat for hours staring at my body. Once I came to the conclusion that I was really gone, I could see. Of course, the first thing I saw was my body, a pool of blood, pieces of my head, and Faith covered in blood and tears. I would've given anything to change leaving her like that. Honestly, I felt no pain from the final shots, but the gore itself is enough to scar Faith forever.

She blames herself... That kills me. She has nothing to feel guilty of. I should've shot the bastard another time. I mean, he was holding my daughter and wife at gunpoint, after he had shot me two times. There was no reason to hold back. Faith's hands were bloodstained for days after I died. She tried to save me... I kept trying to get her to stop. There was no way I was coming back. I just begged her to stop, although she couldn't hear me anyways. I couldn't breathe at the sight of her pleading me to wake up. I sat against the wall in a fetal position and just stared at her. There was nothing more for me to do... 

Faith's laying in bed. I can tell she's crying, because her nose is sniffly. I slowly creep up on the bed. She's facing me, and I can see her hazel eyes. She looks miserable. 

"Faith" I try. Of course this doesn't work, as it has all the times before. I just want to comfort her. That's all I want... 

Faith rolls over onto her back and starts to cry harder. "Why?" She cries out softly, looking up towards the ceiling. I pull myself closer to her, and grab her hand, of which is laying on her chest. I hold it tightly. She's so warm... 

Faith looks down at her hand. Did she feel me? She then sits up, causing me to lose grip of her hand. She looks around the room, a little confused. She then proceeds to cry again. "Why him?" She cries out quietly. "Why couldn't I just not fall in love again? I should've just left him alone. He deserved more than me anyways." My heart begins to break. She wipes her tears and stares down at her feet. Something clicks in her head, because she gets up and starts towards the closet. 

The letters.... 

The thought that the last letter is unfinished vexes me, but there's nothing I can do. I can't write from here... 

Faith opens up letter #2 since she already read the first one my mother gave her. If I remember correctly, this one should be the one about how my life changed when I met her, for the better of course. 

She sits down against the wall in the closet, hidden behind the jackets and dresses hanging in there. She pulls out a little flashlight and starts to read. She pulls her knees up to her chest as I try to sit beside her to read it too. 

Dear Faith, You have made my life truly special. From the day I met you, I knew that I just had to be with you. You were too incredible to let pass me by. I probably should've let some doctor or lawyer come along and whisk you away, but I guess I was a little too selfish back then. Faith, you've given me everything good in my life. I know the way we met wasn't like a fairy tale, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. You've always had a way to make me feel like I was the only man you've ever cared about. Honestly, I don't think I would've lasted this long if it wasn't for you. I probably would've gotten alcohol poisoning, or god knows what.

Most importantly, you gave me those three beautiful girls. Faith, I love them so much that it surprises me. I've never felt that way about anyone in my entire life. I didn't know that I could smile as brightly as I do with them, and you. If I left this world without feeling their love, it wouldn't be worth living. If I left this world without feeling your love, it also wouldn't be worth living. Life without you... it doesn't it sound realistic to me. My life started the day I met you. Everything else was just testing me, and seeing how long I could hold out before something truly incredible happens. I actually wrote a song about you after we met, "Not A Moment To Soon". I know you know that song, but if you get a chance, just read the lyrics or listen to it once more. Every word, I meant. 

In closing, I think that I need to thank you honey. You've given me everything I care about. Just know that no matter how much time passes, I will always love you. No matter the weather, season, day, year... my love is always with you. I don't know if you'll be able to feel it, but it will surely be there. I love you more than the fish love the water, which is alot apparently. Nothing could ever change that. You mean the world to me -Tim. 

Faith is sobbing, but smiling. Part of me feels like this is a slight victory. I want her to smile. That's all I want. She holds the paper to her heart and looks up, laughing a little through her tears before looking back at the paper. One of her hands is on the ground beside her. I place mine on top of it, trying to signal that I'm here, yet another time. She looks down at it, this time she's not afraid. 

"Tim?" She calls out, her face is emotionless, so I don't know whether she's scared or not. Just the sound of her talking to me loosens my chest. 

"Faith, baby, I'm right here." I say, sitting up on my knees and wiping away one of her tears. She starts to cry again, covering her mouth with one hand. "No no no... Honey, it's alright." I say. I know she probably can't hear me. I try to think of all the ways I could somehow comfort her. I find her wedding gown hanging in the closet. I manage to knock it off the rack, since I can't physically carry it. She looks over at it, observing it for a moment. She then crawls over to it and places it on her lap. I sit down beside her yet again. Tears begin to drip down as she opens up the bag. She pulls out the simple white gown and wipes her eyes. 

"I don't know what to do." She says, starting to cry harder. I rub her back as she sobs. 

"Just move on baby. Please, just move on." I beg, knowing that my words are vocalized to only make myself feel comforted. 

"I miss you so much."