Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 44

FAITH POV: We've finally brought Tim home from the hospital. He still has yet to grow back any of his hair since his numerous surgeries. I'm so blessed to have him here for another day. He's been inseparable from the girls, especially Emily. I almost forgot how good he was with them. They love him... 

After dinner, Tim places a shoe box on my lap while I read in bed. 

"What's this?" I ask. He looks almost shameful. 

"I wrote these when I thought I had only a few months left. I figured I wouldn't have enough time to explain everything I wanted to." He says softly. I open the box to see it overflowing with handwritten letters. 

"Well, you can tell me everything now." I say, sending him a friendly smile. He seems to be unfazed. 

"There's still a lot of things I don't know how to quite word yet..." He says, looking down at the letters. I begin to sort through them. "You don't have to read them all. It's just that some of this stuff is hard to say." He adds, increasing my nerves. He grabs one of the letters out of the box and lays it in my hands. I open it hesitantly. 

"So you want me to read this then?" I ask. He nods, not removing his eyes from the paper. I take a deep breath before beginning to read... 

I feel a few tears fall, but I am quick to wipe them away. My mouth is open, searching for words. 

"I regret it baby..." He says. I shut my eyes tightly. 

"Why?" I ask. "Just- why?"

"Because, I was just acting like an idiot. At that point in time, I was drinking heavily and we were arguing constantly. And in the end, I can admit that you were right the entire time. I just went to her because part of me almost wanted to prove myself that you weren't the only woman out there... It's the dumbest thing I've ever done." He tries to explain. I nod and try to think of where to go now. 

"Why didn't you end it sooner?" I ask, trying to keep calm. 

"Because I was still drinking. I didn't stop till I stopped drinking." He says. I bite my lip as I feel more tears slip free. 

"Okay." I say, shutting my eyes tightly so I can think, without his warm brown eyes convincing me to forgive him. 

"You know that you are the only woman that has ever mattered to me in this world, in that way." He says. 

"I think I need some time to think." I say quietly. I open my eyes to see him nodding and looking down at his hands. 

"If you want me to leave, like permanently... I will. I don't want to hurt you, honey." He says softly. 

"Alright." I say. "Tim, I just know that I should be mad at you." I add. He nods. 

"You should." 

"But I want to forgive you..." I continue. He bites the inside of his cheek. 

"I promise, I will be loyal to you until the day I die, if you forgive me. That was the worst feeling I could've ever felt." He says. I nod. I'm going to forgive him. I almost lost him to death already, I don't want to lose him to this. We can work past this. I just need to scare him a little, so he understands the boundaries. 

"I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, okay?" I say, grabbing a pillow and blankets. 

"Don't." He says, getting up and grabbing them from me. "I'll stay downstairs tonight." He says. 

"Okay." I reply, relieved I don't have to sleep on the uncomfortable designer sofa. 

"I love you." He says. 

"Love you too." I reply quietly. He shoots me a small smile before disappearing into the darkness of the hallway. 

I can't sleep... No matter how hard I try, I keep thinking I hear the door open. Ever since the whole incident, I haven't been able to sleep alone. The moonlight peaks through the shades as I get up and walk out into the hallway. I can hear the heavy breathing of the girls sleeping in their rooms as I walk past. I creep down the stairs to find Tim, wide awake, sitting on the back porch. I try to see what he's doing, but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything... I openly the sliding door gently, making sure not to startle him. He looks back at me and smiles. 

"What you doing up?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders. 

"I couldn't sleep." I say. He nods, and goes back to looking at the stars. 

"I forgot how bright they were." He says. 

"The stars?" I question. "It's because we live in the middle of nowhere." He lets out a quiet laugh, as I pull up a chair next to him. He lays his hand on top of mine and lets out a sigh. "What did you see?" I ask. He scrunches his eyebrows, still looking up. 

"You mean in the coma?" He asks. 

"Yeah."

"I saw you and the girls." He says. 

"The entire time?" I ask curiously. 

"Yeah. I watched you all move on without me. It was tough. You guys couldn't see or hear me until you almost died, and suddenly you could see and hear me. We fought a lot." He says. "You hated me for the affair, and you told the girls about it. They all thought I didn't love them. It was horrible." My throat feels tight even thinking about being here without him.

"Was I okay without you?" I ask.

"Sometimes." He says. "You  were sad. You were also taking a lot of pills and different things to help yourself deal with everything." I try to think about how I would've reacted if I lost him. 

"I love you." I say. He looks over at me and smiles. 

"I love you too." He replies. "It's weird... In the coma, I reached 2014." He says. I laugh a little. 

"Do we have flying cars?" I ask. 

"Nope, sadly." He says. I laugh again. "You know that senator from Illinois?" He asks. I nod. "He's president then. It was his second term." 

"No way!" I say, laughing at him. 

"I guess we will just have to see come 2008." He laughs. 

"Too bad you don't remember lottery numbers." I say. He smiles. 

"We don't need to play the lottery. We have all we'll ever need."