Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 35

FAITH POV: I'm staring at the pills, wondering if I made the right decision. What if I never see him again? Will I be able to take that? I look back to the couch to see Tim watching me. He looks desperate. 

"Faith..." He says slowly. 

"I'm sorry." I cry. He nods, standing up and walking over to me. 

"It's alright. If this is what you want..." He says. I nod, and close my eyes tightly, squeezing out tears. He wraps his arms around me and starts to hum. It's moments like these when I'll miss him. 

"I don't want to lose you forever." I sob. He rubs my back. 

"I'll always be right here." He says softly. I know that this is true, but if I can't see him, it doesn't compensate. I hear the door unlock, so I quickly run to the laundry room and grab a pair of sweatpants. They just so happen to be Tim's.

The girls run in, telling me about how school was. I listen, while preparing them a snack. I look up towards Tim, only to see he's no longer there. I spin around once to realize that the pills have already kicked in. The sensation of loneliness begins to overcome me again. I feel so off. Part of me wonders if it's the drugs, or the fact that Tim's not here. I hand the girls their snack, and I quickly run upstairs with the pills. I look through the side effects. Loneliness isn't listed, as I expected. 

"Tim?" I call out softly. I bury my head in my hands. Why did I do this? "Tim, are you here?" I ask I see something fall out of the corner of my eye. I walk over and pick it up.  It's another letter. It's titled before you move on. I stare at it, before opening it slowly. 

Dear Faith, you're not even forty yet by the time I'm gone. Fourty's too young to be a lonely old widow. You deserve happiness, Faith. Get your ass back out there! I've been so privileged to be able to have three, going on four, beautiful children with you. Now it's time for you to move onto someone else, who can hopefully make you feel half as special as you made me feel. 

You are the most incredible woman I've ever seen, and had the privilege to know. You deserve a knight in shining armor. You deserve a man who's going to whisk you away on his white horse. You deserve everything I couldn't give you. Please get a man who loves the girls almost as much as I do. Trust me, you'll never find a man in this world who loves them more than me. They deserve a good father to help them with the rest of their maturing and growth. 

Faith, I want you to feel beautiful. I'm not saying that you have to move on. I'm also not saying that under no circumstance can you move on. I'm just letting you know that you have my blessing. I just want you to be happy. Even if it's with Gary.... But please... not Gary. I love you so much baby - Tim.

Tears are flowing down my cheeks as my chest begins to hurt. I feel like I can't breathe. "Baby..." I cry out. "Please... Don't leave me." I sob. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry...." I feel a chill on my left arm. 

It's the morning after, and my arm is still cool to the touch. I can move it around just fine. I look around, and still, no Tim. I get up and take a deep breath. 

"Calm down, Faith. It's temporary." I reassure myself. I go pee then wash my face. I grab a towel to wipe the water off my face. I look back in the mirror to see him standing next to me. I look over to see him there. He looks sad, until we lock eyes. I throw my arms around him and start to cry. We sit down against the cabinet, facing each other.

"It's okay darlin'." He says, holding me. 

"I thought you were gone for good." I cry. 

"I'm still here baby." 

"I felt so alone." I weep. 

"It's alright." He says wiping my tears. I kiss his lips, and I pull away slowly, giving him time to make a move if he wants to. He smiles at me. "This really freaked you out didn't it?" He asks. I nod, looking at all of his facial features.

I run my finger along his jaw. My hand falls down onto his chest, as I lay my head under his chin. He brushes out my hair with his fingers, before placing his hand on the back of my head, he starts to hum to me again. I smile. One of my hands is still clinging onto his chest, while the other grabs his shoulder. There's absolutely no space between him and I. In this moment, we are molded together, almost as one.

"I love you." I utter. He pushes my back in closer to him. 

"I love you too." He says softly, right into my ear. I smile and bite my lip. 

"I feel safe." I say. "I've never felt this safe." He readjusts his head. 

"When this road gets crazy and tries to break me. And I had all I can stand. I can close my eyes no matter where I am and just be still..." He sings softly to me. 

"That's pretty." I say. "Did you write that?" I ask, making sure to stay quiet. 

"Mhm." He says. His eyes are shut light as he sways slowly. 

"Don't let me go." I say. He nods lightly. 

"I wasn't planning on it." He says, laughing softly. 

"What if you were never diagnosed?" I ask. Tim sighs. 

"Don't start what ifing Faith." 

"I can't help it." I say. 

"I would've gotten shot anyways." He says. 

"True." I say quietly. "I just wish you were still here." 

"I am still here." He says. I nod. 

"We could've grown old together..." I say. 

"I would've been one ugly old man." He laughs. I laugh a bit to. 

"I don't think I've ever prepared myself for being with another man who isn't you." I say. He nods. 

"I hope not." I laugh for a second when Gary opens the door. I fall backwards, losing my balance after being scared. 

"Hey superstar! You ready to go kick some ass?" Gary says. I look at Tim, who looks very hostile towards him. 

"I don't know..." I say. 

"What do you mean you don't know? How are those pills working, by the way?" He asks. 

"No more Tim." I lie. I know he'll nag me to up the dose if I told him the truth. 

"Great! Doesn't it feel like a weight off your shoulders?" He asks. 

"Fuck you." Tim laughs, but I can tell he means it. 

"I guess." I say. Tim looks at me and gives me a thumbs up. 

"Well we have an interview today. Then I was figuring we could grab dinner..." He says. 

"Actually, I can't do dinner, but I can do the interview." I say, remembering Tim's letter. Gary's a great manager and friend, but the whole idea of dating him has kind of made me a little cautious for the day.

"Alright, well let's get going then!" He says, throwing me a sweatshirt. It just-so happens to be Tim's LSU hoodie. I look at Tim to see him smiling at me. 

"Wear it proudly." Tim says, beating his chest three times. I laugh a little, hoping Gary doesn't catch on.

I do four interviews in one afternoon, all asking me about the affair and Tim's jail time. I explain it to them just as he explained it to me, so there's nothing to hide. I don't give out Jana's name. 

"For privacy purposes." I say. They nod and write it down on their notepads. Tim's beside me, supporting me and keeping me sane through each interview.