Something Lost (Original Draft)

Chapter 29: Relationship?

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The Journey back was dreadfully cold; the night was chillier than I remembered it. I shivered realizing the adrenaline I felt earlier made the night tolerable. I breathed into my cold hands and watched my breath as it escaped, wafting from my scrunched hands. Winter was going to be difficult this year. It wasn't going to be celebrated by me like it once was. Summer was unbearable in Larska at times, but when the cool breeze came, it signaled a break that most enjoyed and looked forward to... But the break this year would be colder than I have ever felt. I was already unhappy with it. Fortunately, the knight I traveled with noticed my discomfort and silently draped his golden cloak around my shoulders.

After the long night, nobody felt much for conversation. It wouldn't have been much of a talk anyway. The whole way I worried if I would be able to keep the Sorrow a secret or if I would tell James in a moment of weakness. I was tired and had no idea how I was going to react to his upcoming interrogation. That concern combined with a flood of other hidden stresses. If this pattern kept up the way it was I feared I would run out of fingers to count them out on. It wouldn't be easy, this lie, before I had the luxury of having someone to confide in... but now I was truly alone.

As we reached home Lord Alexander's escorting knight commended me on my appointed title, he honored my bravery in defending his Lord, his King. I returned his cloak and thanked him, though I knew I didn't deserve his praise. I walked up the steps to the front door. My boots crunched the fallen leaves that littered the porch. I stood silently at the door going over the talk I had with Alexander in my head. I was scared another monster would be led to Berthold, because of me. I knew it wasn't my fault—that there was no way I could have known the outcome of my choice by accepting her help. But knowing that it could happen again, and that other people could be hurt or even killed... Well, I couldn't help but feel guilty.

My eyes searched the windows; they were dark, and empty. I felt little relief thinking he must have turned in for the night. Good, I wasn't ready to confront him yet, and I didn't think I would be able to handle his questioning stares. My fingers grasped the cold metal handle of the door, to pull it open... but before I could, it creaked open. My eyes peered up at James; he was standing silently in the opening. He pulled me inside swiftly, slamming the door behind him. It was too dark to see the expression he wore, but the urgency of his pull made me believe that our earlier talk would continue as promised.

"I'm much too tired to endure a—" I was caught off-guard by his hands as they pulled me into an intimate embrace.

I could smell his fresh clean scent; he must have bathed while I was out. I took it in gratefully. I was surprised that something so insignificant could be so comforting. The sound of his gentle heartbeat permeated through the thin fabric that covered his chest, I pulled away realizing I had been there for a while lost in its rhythm.

He whispered, "Promise me—that you'll never do what you did... ever again."

It was a promise I couldn't make. I only ran out into the night because I thought he was among those men, and would have done it again, there was no question about it. Besides, he would have done the same for me. Why was it accepted that a man could offer those types of courtesies, but a woman should cower and be coddled? If I could help it, I would help break that stereotype someday.

He pulled away just far enough to speak, "I've drawn you a bath, Lady Alanis, Protector of Berthold."

"So you've heard?"

"I have, the whole kingdom must know of it by now. I heard what you did, fellow knights passed the story on to me as I journeyed home... but... I would like to hear your version," he replied with a smile.

My version, of course he wants to hear my version, I thought feeling my stomach twist from the secret I was hiding from him, and soon the thought became too powerful to rein. It made me pull away from him. I couldn't be near him feeling the way I did. His hands held my waist, keeping me tethered to him, he must have been wary I was going to vanish into the darkness, never to be seen again.

"Are you okay?"

"I am. I'm—I'm just tired..." I told the partial truth with a soft sigh.

His hands slipped away, freeing me. My eyes finally adjusted to the dark, the warm light of the lantern was now visible as it seeped through his bedroom door to where we stood.

His blue eyes attracted the light as he replied, "Go bathe, before the water cools."

I was glad he didn't sound too disappointed by my fatigue. I was also grateful he didn't question me further about the night.

• • • • • • •

When I sat in the water of my bath, I had the urge to fall asleep cradled in its wonderful goodness. He had prepared this bath with me in mind, this I knew for sure. Lavender essence swirled within the warm liquid, easing my aching body into a tranquil state of sleepiness. I bathed and submerged my soiled skin in the water. The blood of the dragon proved stubborn to remove. I scrubbed long and hard with a stiffened loofah to no avail. Later, while I dried off, I noticed there were parts of my body that were still stained by it.

I dressed and made my way into the dimly lit room. Curiously, my eyes examined James as he slept in his bed, reclaiming it in his own way. Were we a couple now? I wondered as I looked him over. I had no idea. This would be my first relationship if it were. I was unsure of everything. I found things were unraveling so quickly that I never had the chance to consent. Everything was decided without me. Would it be it wise to allow this to continue?

What I went through in Larska was trivial and planned. I had the luxury of knowing what was going to happen each and every day, there were no surprises other than the obvious. No, this place wasn't the prison I was used to, this place was freedom, my freedom, and if I didn't grasp a choice quickly one would be made for me instead. I needed to learn how to live by these new rules or I would be swallowed whole by this new world.

I walked over to the empty side of the bed, the emptiness that covered that space never looked so inviting. I wondered what choice was right, but knew I had to make one. I knew this spot was an open invitation, set by him, but was it one of disaster? Lying in bed with him didn't give him permission to make love to me, I knew that. Standing there I realized that I was over-analyzing what his gesture meant. I was tired, same as he, that much was obvious.

I slipped under the cozy blankets I had rolled across hours earlier, and laid on my side, scrunching into a curled position as I let exhaustion take me under.