Something Lost (Original Draft)

Chapter 32: Letting Go

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He told me my gift was beautiful and that it would bring hope to all I would meet...

I walked through the door of the Shaman's house. My legs felt just as weak as they did the day Alexander told me about the Sorrow. They were numb and flimsy, as I stumbled down the first set of rickety steps. Surprisingly, the sickening stomachache I suffered through during the ride over was gone. I was left only with exhaustion, and it crept into every fiber of my weary body. I thought about my life and how it had crumbled so easily - in just a matter of days. And that's what frightened me most, the suddenness of it all. I clutched Strare Harei tightly against my plated breast, not knowing what I was going to do with it. I didn't feel any different from the next person. When I went to speak, the words that left my lips were not soaked in wisdom or courage, they were insignificant... so what made me special... why was I chosen?

I looked out at the reddening afternoon sky, wondering useless things to myself. But it didn't matter what I thought, I needed to face the truth at the heart of the matter. That I was scared, that I didn't want to leave Berthold behind. It had only been a month since I first stepped foot there, but it was feeling like home already. There were many reasons why I wanted to stay, my newly established nobility, the friendly people, and the new friendships I forged... and James - what would I tell James? He wouldn't buy the lie I would have to feed him when my time came to leave. He would suspect that there was something more.

The soft grass met the bottom of my boots as I broke past the last step.

I wondered if he would insist on leaving with me when I decided to break the news to him. No, I sighed bitterly as I answered my own thought. He wouldn't come with me. How could he, when he couldn't even answer the simple question I had asked earlier... Besides, his vow to Berthold made it impossible for him to leave unless he wanted to be exiled. And even if he did consider me something more, my gentle heart wouldn't allow it. I couldn't ask him to sacrifice all that he's worked for. No, the next journey I took would be walked alone...

I bundled the hem of my skirt and held it above the tall grass, fearing a patch of hidden prickly burs would snag the delicate fabric of my dress. I was as silent as the gentle breeze as I spotted him. He stood beside Ellah; his attention was on an object he had packed away in his bag. He was consumed by whatever it held. I watched quietly, unbeknownst to him. I let myself become indulged in the simplicity of the moment - to stand and stare, to watch and observe something that was safe and familiar. My eyes fell away once I realized that I needed to stop, it was a comfort that I knew I couldn't reply on for much longer. I would have to learn how to cope with these feelings on my own... as hard as that would be. My body trembled with those lonely thoughts, and I had all but forgotten the book as it slipped from my shaking hands. My gasp was heard by him as I went to retrieve Strare Harei from the ground. As I rose above the tall grass with the book in my hand once more, my eyes spotted his stare.

He watched me across the field. A large smile filled his bright face. I wished I could share his happiness, and relief... As I walked through the large meadow to meet him, I found enough strength to muster a fake smile for return, but worried he would be able to see through it as I neared.

He met me halfway. "You were in there so long that I was beginning to worry. I thought I was going to have to go in there and rescue you." He smiled while pretending to draw his sword.

"The old man - Julian..." I paused and corrected his name, remembering how much he hated that unwanted title, "had a lot to say."

He looked at the book I held in my hand, curiously. "Did he give you a return letter to deliver?"