Last Kiss Goodbye • Teenage Juice Ortiz

2 - Brokenness

Edited

PRESENT

June's hand clung to the curtain. Her whole body was shaking as she stared at the man standing in the middle of the road, motionless as if he was a statue. Her hand drifted to her chest, a painful sensation rising within her heart. Hundreds, if not thousands of times she'd thought to have seen him. In every crowd she saw shoulders, backs, hands and faces that looked so familiar her heart jumped. Every time disappointment was soon to follow, rushing over her and leaving her cold and empty.

But never – never had she seen him standing right in front of her home, and never had anyone else noticed him.

"Who's that man, mommy?"

June didn't answer. She didn't dare to move, afraid he would vanish if she did.

But she was also afraid he would walk away once again, if she didn't move.

In the end it was Juan who turned away first, running a hand across his face, as his shoulders shook. June covered her mouth as she realized it was really him. It was a long time ago that she'd given up the hope of him coming back to her, being a part of her life. But she couldn't just leave him standing there. He looked so lost, so hurt, and she wasn't able to ignore that.

Her trembling hands found her son and as she ruffled his hair she murmured: "That's an old friend of mommies and it looks like he's in trouble." She knelt before him to look into his eyes. "Mamma needs to help him. You go play with your train, okay?"

Glenn nodded, giving her a smile that was so alike to her own and ran to the stairs.

June quickly walked to the front door, her heart pounding in her chest. What if he had already left? She ran into the front yard and scanned the curb; tears already streaming down her cheeks.

"Juan!" she called as she saw him standing next to his motorcycle. He was about to leave – again.

Any other person would say that it was for the best, but June knew it wasn't. No matter the pain he'd caused her, she still cared for him. She knew that something terrible must have happened for him to be showing up at her house after fifteen years.

He looked over his shoulder when he heard his name, still rubbing the tears from his face. She started to run to him, ignoring the gravel that cut into her bare feet. The fear he would leave again settled a bit as he bowed his head, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

She heard him exhale shakily as she stopped in front of him and pulled him in her arms. A shiver crept down her spine as he buried his face against her shoulder and started to cry even harder.

"It's okay," she soothed, rubbing between his shoulders. "It's okay baby."

His brokenness shook her. As teenagers they had gone through a lot and she'd seen him cry a couple of times, but never like this.

She held him for a long time. Eventually his tears eased and he looked up at her, his thumb caressing her cheek. Goose bumps spread all over her body as she closed her eyes and her lips started to tremble.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered.

Hearing his voice brought tears to her eyes. Her throat was burning and even though she tried to stay strong, but the tears escaped her eyes cascading down her face. She knew she should be furious with him. He'd abandoned her without any explanation, knowing he was all she had left. For months she had been terrified that he was dead, until the day his sister had told her why he had gone. That he had found a new lover elsewhere; someone who knew how to have fun, who wasn't trying to change him into someone he wasn't.

But right at this moment, the hate was buried deeply. The pain that colored his voice, that was able to be seen on his face and radiated from his body, got her. She had always put his feelings before hers, and even fifteen years of radio silence wasn't enough to change that.

She looked into his watery eyes, unable to say anything. For the first time since he had left her all those years ago, she finally felt that she could connect with someone else's touch. She held her breath as his thumb moved across her bottom lip. Suddenly his face came closer and his lips brushed over hers. His left hand drifted to her neck and disappeared into her hair. The way that his fingers moved through her hair felt desperate and she laid her hands on his chest and pushed him away.

"Please, don't do this, Juan," she whispered, even though her lips were tingling. "I'm with someone else now."

He stepped back from her and nodded, without looking at her. "Yeah. Of course you are. I'm sorry, I..." He pressed his hand to his head. "It's just... everything is a mess in my head. I should never have come here. I'm sorry. I... I don't know what I was thinkin'. I just wanted to see you before... before..." He swallowed and looked the other way.

June sighed as she looked at his face. There were dark circles beneath his eyes, his chin was unshaven and his eyes were just... empty. What had happened to him? She thought about all the times his mother had snarled at him, saying that he would end up dead in the gutter and now, she had the feeling she hadn't been far from the truth.

"I should leave," Juan muttered. "I'm sorry."

He looked over his shoulder, as if he was afraid someone would see them.

"Where will you go?" she asked, she had a feeling that he had nowhere else to go. She must have been his last resort, his final desperate act to find help.

He shrugged. "I'll find a place."

June shook her head. "No. You think I'll ever be able to sleep again after seeing you like this?"

She wished she could offer him a place to stay, but that would only make things worse. Knowing with whom she was together now wouldn't do him any good, and the minute Ravi came back from school he would recognize Juan from the picture on his nightstand.

She looked at her watch. It would take a few hours before anyone would show up.

"Come." She took his hand. "My kid is inside, I can't stay away for too long. I'm going to find a place where you can stay for a while." She looked up to him and waited until he shyly looked at her again. "I promise," she emphasized, sensing everyone he had cared about these past years had turned their backs on him.