Last Kiss Goodbye • Teenage Juice Ortiz

76 - Space

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THE PAST

"YOU TOLD HER?!" Juan screamed at his brother. "You fucking told her?!" He clenched his fists in powerlessness, slamming them against Mateo's chest. 

"I told her so you won't have to," Mateo answered calmly. He grabbed his wrists and looked him straight in the eye. "You gotta calm down. Your yelling and sobbin' ain't helpin' anyone Juan."

"How the hell can I ever calm down?! Someone tried to kill himself because of something we did! And June – June is going to break up with me! And I – I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her."

He was too hysterical to be able to fight the tears, even though he had already cried so much he felt tired. 

"Listen to me." Mateo grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up. "Listen. What Erik did, had nothing to do with us. He's not right in the head, Juan. That explains his dirty little stories and the fact that he wanted to suck our dicks. He probably felt ashamed afterwards, but we did nothing against his will."

"Oh get real!" Juan snapped. "He was bawlin' his eyes out man! It was fucking obvious that he didn't want to blow you two. A few days ago we beat the shit outta him, he was just terrified!"

"Yeah, he was terrified. But that was what was turnin' him on, Juan. He's clearly a sub, E and me dominating him was makin' him fuckin' horny. I saw his leaking cock man. He wanted it. Fuck it – that prick was close to beggin' me to fuck him in the ass."

Juan felt ice cold. He pressed a fist against his lips as his stomach contents rose.  "Whether he wanted it or not – fact is that nothing would have happened to him if we'd stayed home!" The tears jumped in his eyes again. He pictured Erik in a coffin, his face pale, his eyes closed forever. He could hear June's sobs, could see the hatred in her eyes when he was making a move to comfort her.

"Then it would have happened another time," Mateo answered. "One doesn't kill himself on a whim, Juan. He must have been plagued with suicidal thoughts for a long while. It's not our fault."

"Well it does feel like it's our fault!" he sobbed, wiping his eyes. "June will believe it's my fault. She probably never wants to see me again."

"That's not true, Juan," a soft voice told him. 

The door towards the hallway opened and June stepped into the living room. Her puffy eyes told him she had been crying too and he wondered how long she had been there listening to them. "It's not your fault if he dies. It's – it's like the situation with Katie. She hurt Mateo, he took revenge and she couldn't handle it. It's not that different now. If someone commits suicide it's never because of one person, of one event. Yeah, you were part of it. But the same goes for me. I considered him as a close friend and I had no idea how lost he felt. I guess I could never offer him the safety he needed to talk about his problems. I have failed as a friend."

Juan bent his head. He wanted to deny it; he wanted to tell her there was nothing she could have done about it but he knew she would disagree and that his opinion didn't really matter since he didn't know much about their friendship. 

"You already heard something from the hospital?" June asked Mateo. 

Juan was aware of the distance she was keeping from him. Since their fight she hadn't touched him. He knew how broken he looked; better than anyone she knew how lost he felt but she still choose not to hug him. It caused a stabbing feeling in his chest and he blinked away a new wave of tears. 

"Haven't really gotten the time for it," Mateo answered. "But gimme a few minutes to hack into the patient files." He turned towards the desk and sat down behind his laptop.