Going Live- A Destiel Fanfic

Trouble in... Paradise?

-Saturday Morning-

It's been two days since my last panic attack. Even though Dean hasn't pushed me about it, it's obvious that he's worried about me. The way he walks around is dainty as though if he trudges too hard, I'll shatter. His eyes soften when he looks at me. He doesn't get close enough to touch me anymore and refrains from even handing me anything. It's like it was when I was released from the hospital. Micheal didn't let me go anywhere, Lucifer didn't leave my side, and Gabriel avoided me like he thought I was too fragile. There were nights that I knew one of them checked in on me every hour in the night.

That was the main reason that I avoided being at home or talking about my condition. I was tired of being treated like I was made of glass. I hated the pity that came with my shaking. The looks that came when I refused to let anyone else drive. The questions that came with one false alarm. I hated it. I hated them. And I hated myself.

"Dean. Can we go do something?" I ask, trying not to sound overly desperate. He looks up from his phone. He raises a questioning eyebrow.

"You do remember that Benny is coming over to shoot today right?" Disappointment floods over me but I decide that the best thing to do is just flow with it. I know that Micheal told me that he was going to tell him if I don't but I really do want to be the one to tell him.

"Oh. Yeah. What are you guys doing for a video anyways?" I question, turning to watch the time again to hide my expression. He has some stupid ghost-hunting show on where the two co-stars are complete idiots. I mean who the hell uses salt filled hula-hoops?

"I dunno yet. I mean, Benny's known for his vlog videos and having these elaborate plans. Like his last video was about him buying random people cars. The dude gets so many sponsorships it's not even funny," he says, returning to his phone. I watch as he smiles down at the screen and looks back up at me. "Hey, Cas. How would you feel about this?" 

He hands me his phone to show his huge tiger sitting on a rich dude's couch. Its neck is collared by a studded, blue collar. I scrunch up my nose, "Personally, I think that's cruel. It's a wild animal that belongs in its own habitat. And I'm more of a dog person anyway." I give him his phone back and he nods understandingly.

"Yeah... that's what I thought too. Not humane," he says returning to his phone. I feel bad that we haven't talked as much as we did beforehand and I really miss it. I never really got a chance to get to know him other than the basic things like family and friends. 

"Hey, Dean. Is it okay if we go out tonight?" I ask but I instantly blush because I realize how the words come out. Before I can correct myself, Dean answers.

"Yeah okay. Benny and I just gotta record two vids. One for him and one for me. After that, I'm game," he says, still not looking up from his phone. 'Maybe he didn't take it like I did. Not that I meant it like that. I just... ya' know. Wanted to have an excuse to be with him in private. TO TELL HIM. Not anything else... Okay just shut up Castiel.' "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing!" I shout to which he actually looks up from his phone. He gives me a confused look but at least it's better than a pitying look.

"I... meant... food," he says, as though he doesn't know what else to say. I gulp and cross my arms, trying not to show my uncomfortableness with the situation.

"Oh. I don't care," I respond, hiding my face in my phone in hopes that I am good enough at hiding how strange this all is. It's so awkward between us and I can barely stand it. Dean responds shortly with a typical answer. I'm not disappointed, just... I don't even know. I hate what my stupid ass has done to our "roommate-ship".

~~~

-Noon-

"Hey I think he just pulled in," I call to Dean from my room. From my window, I have a clear shot of at seeing down the road. After the hour of uncomfortable silence, I finally retreated to my room to figure out what to do about our entire situation. I contemplated everything. Just telling him. Letting Micheal tell him. Taking him to my old therapist. Finding a news story. Letting him guess. I even considered moving out in the middle of the night and not telling him. I have yet to come to a conclusion.