The Wish (Completed)

Chapter 9: This One's for You

"Axel! Please wait!" I run out of the room to chase after him.  The living room is empty of my son. A door slams shut and I know where he has gone. In the same room where he slept the other night. Standing outside of it, I grab the handle and turn. The door is locked. "Axel please open the door." My head drops down, sighing with relief as he opens the door.

He stomps over to the bed, sitting on top of it. Arms tower over his legs, propping his head onto his hands. Moving towards him, I sit down next to him. "Thank you." He looks down at the ground, not making a sound. Tiny hands cup his ears, reluctant to hear what I have to say. I can't imagine what he's going through. Or what's going through that innocent mind.

My parents fought daily, I never understood why. They would scream hateful terms at each other. Mom only stuck around for my sake. I wonder what would have happened if she did leave my dad. Would she have taken me with her? Or just left me with my dad? Would we have been happier? New members of the family, me backpacking to each of their homes, despising their new significant other.

I would probably be overwhelmed with guilt for not allowing them to be happy. That's so selfish. I would be so selfish still wishing they were together. Doesn't make sense, maybe if mom did find a new man, he would have payed attention to me. Mom might have spent more time with me as well.

Back then, I would always retreat to my room and position myself just like Axel, when things got tough. I remember thinking it could have been worse. Is it still okay to feel bad about your own life though, knowing someone out there has it ten times worse? There were times I said I was never going to have kids. Kids don't deserve to live here on this Earth.

Kids are so pure, beautiful. They deserve a whole lot better than this shit hole. I never wanted my child to be tainted by abuse of any kind. I only want what is best for him. "I'm sorry this is happening. I was going to tell you tonight, after we got home." Placing my hands in my lap, not knowing what to do with them.

Yes, I want to comfort my son. God knows how bad I want to. If I pat his back, I'm afraid he'll recoil and push me away. I can't handle anymore rejection, especially from my son. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought. "Axel this is not easy for me either-". He pushes off of the bed, standing right in front of me. 

"You have no clue how I feel! You're barely around! I'm always shipped off to Chenelle's house. Jacob and Chenelle are more of my parents than you will ever be!" He means every word, angry eyes, hurt. Tears immediately leave me. I never cry around my son. It's too much for him to take. Too much for me to take. 

I've hit my breaking point. Yea, I'm really not as strong as I thought. I've cried this whole damn weekend. This whole damn month. My whole damn life! "Axel, please don't say that to me. I am your mother. I love you so much." I choke on the sobs, he isn't looking me in the eyes anymore. Probably too embarrassed to call me of such title. He's disappointed in my actions and what I've become. That makes two of us. 

"You love me? Then why do you keep hiding? You hide this from me, my own dad! Where is he mom? How's he going to feel about this? This is probably why he left, isn't it? Not because of me, but because of you!" The words cut deeper than a knife. Cutting each limb, each organ, right into the most important one, my heart. 

Those words slaughter me. There's no way of being stitched up. Tears are nonstop at this point. Even if I close my eyes, they'll continue to fall. "Where is this coming from?" 

"I guess you wouldn't know. You never ask! I have no one mom. No siblings, grandparents, no aunts, uncles, cousins, even friends. Just Chenelle, Jacob, and their kids. The worst of it all mom, I don't even have you. Or my own dad." I shoot up from the bed and run to him. I become level with him, on my knees, clasping onto him. My tears soak his freshly washed shirt that he wore for the game. Tropical laundry detergent suffocates my nostrils. He tries to push me off, but I keep clinging on, never wanting to let go.