Moving on with you (complete)

Nineteen

"I love you."

The words I've been dreading suddenly slipping out of Harry's mouth. I couldn't tell what had triggered him to say it. We were just sitting in front of the tv eating our Uber eats delivered pizza. I flinched trying to convince myself I hadn't heard what I thought I had. I couldn't move my head from the tv, scared I'd look at him.

"Eva?" He whispered. I turned my head to him, refusing to make eye contact. "Did you hear me?" He asked, the hurt in his voice. I nodded as a response, fighting back the tears. After a long silence he got up and walked away, the sound of the front door shutting behind him. I sat in shock, putting down my plate before I curled up on the sofa and began to cry.

It wasn't until almost midnight that Harry returned home after being gone for 10 hours. Where had he gone? He didn't come to talk to me, or even say hello. I didn't know what to say to him to make us okay, I could tell that he was angry and I didn't know how to approach him. I've never seen him this upset.

I headed to bed, to wake up the next day with a knock on the door. I nervously opened the door to find Harry standing there, the look of tiredness written all over his face. "We should talk." He started. "I'm going for a cigarette." I said blankly before grabbing my pack and pulling one out for him, offering him what I could. We walked out onto the balcony and shut the door behind us. We lit our cigarettes and stood in silence for some time before Harry started talking.

"I can't do this anymore." He said bluntly. His words hitting me hard, but not surprising me. "I can't carry on this feeling that I'm putting in more than I'm getting back. I just wanted you to love me the way I love you. But I can see now that we jumped into this and I'm way in over my head with you." He said bringing tears to my eyes.

"Okay." I mumbled. Trying not to let him hear the crack in voice.

"This is what I mean. You give me nothing. I really thought I meant something to you. I thought now is the right time. Sure I suspected you wouldn't say it back but the last thing I expected you to do is just sit in silence. And now I'm ending things and all you can say is okay. I'm really trying not to get mad Eva. Trust me I am. But you're making it so hard. I put everything on the line with you and you've just thrown it back in my face. Man I thought you was everything, but honestly you've just wasted my time, you've practically used me as an experiment. Letting me love you while you just sat back and watched. All I get is a fucking okay."

There was so many things wrong with what he said, I was struggling to believe he saw it that way. I was struggling so much to think of something to say but my mind went blank. I couldn't think with the word love floating in the air. Harry just stared at me. A pleading look in his eyes. I went to open my mouth but nothing came out. His look faltered. He walked past me to the door, reaching for the handle when suddenly my brain woke up, my mouth open before I could even rethink anything.

"How dare you." I started. My sudden change in tone causing him to look at me shocked. "How dare you say I used you as an experiment, how dare you say you meant nothing to me, how dare you say I sat back and watched. You're the only person I've dated since Alex, the only person I've kissed, only person I've had sex with. You're the only fucking one. I put all my effort into moving on with you because I care about you Harry. I care about you in a way that makes me feel alive, do you know how sick with guilty that makes me feel. For fuck sake I even sat by Alex's grave telling her about you, I care about you enough to push my comfort zone to give us a fighting chance. I give you everything I can and I guess if that's still not good enough then yeah we shouldn't be together but don't you dare say that shit about me because you have no idea what's going on for me and how many emotional sacrifices I've made for you." I huffed, almost out of breath. Tears hovering on my lower lash line. The look on his face told me I may have over done it but it needed to be said. He stood clearly not knowing what to say or do.

"I just can't do this." Is all he said, clearly upset, his eyes more watery than usual. Before I could say anything he opened the door and walked off leaving me alone out in the cold. I lit up another cigarette and thought about what was next.