Greed and Despond (Ban x Sin!Reader)

73

"Wait..." you spoke, standing just behind Ban, who was rigid, frozen in place by fear. Even you could see that you were the last person he wanted to chase after him. "Where are... no that's stupid... I already know where you're going..."

Your voice was sad, but you still had a smile on your face as you stared at the ground. He deserved this, you reminded yourself. Being caught up in all of the crapshit of his life, he deserved a break- a stable, loving relationship. It was the best choice to move on from his second love and go back to the first, since he felt a weight in his chest, which could only be removed by her. You could only provide half of what he deserved, if that, and Elaine could easily give all of it. You knew this was going to happen.

"You're going to get Elaine," you said just after a pause. "Don't try to deny it, because I know you are. I just... wanted to say g'bye is all. I probably won't see you again, and if I do, it'll be too painful to watch- because I know you'll have found her by the time I find you."

"(Y/N)..." Ban mumbled, turned around. It hurt every fiber of his being to see you standing there, staring at the ground with a sad smile and trembling voice. Your body shook slightly. He looked at you fully, taking a step toward you and scrunched up his face in frustration, trying to find the right words. "It's not..."

"It's not like that. Yeah, yeah, I know," you chuckled, "Ban, it's okay to say you don't love someone. It's okay to hurt someone's feelings- you aren't responsible for other's happiness." Ban sensed you were talking more to yourself than him, "But... it's okay for me to be sad too. Because I've really liked you for a really long time. Of course, I know you never really liked me back, I just..." You whimpered quietly, "I just wanted to live in that fantasy for a while."

Ban looked off to the side, his brain churning. He couldn't help but be angry- the first emotion that bubbled in his chest before he could process the situation fully. Why were you doing this? Why were you spouting all this now, when he was about to leave? Why were you making it so hard for him? Why were you trying to make him feel as shitty as possible?

"What's your problem?" Ban blurted, his voice hostile, as he was unable to control himself from speaking. "I'm leaving and that's that! Why are you trying to make this so damn hard?!"

You frowned, your face scrunched up in pain. Your voice broke, exasperated as you exclaimed your own side. You sounded hurt. You sounded like every inch of your body was screaming in pain. You sounded like the day before, "Because it isn't easy for me either Ban..!"

His face stayed the same, but he internally widened his eyes. He stared down at you, disbelief hiding behind his stoic eyes. Weren't you mad at him? Wait, no, he was mad at you! And you were... sad... because of... him...

"I don't want you to leave!" You exclaimed, clenching your fists as tears fell down your cheeks. You hated crying. You didn't understand why you always seemed to be crying. "I don't want you to go and be with that Elaine bitch! I don't want you to leave me- I want to be selfish and make you stay! I want you to love me, and me only! I want us to be one of those storybook fairytales!

"I-I want to have kids- a family! I want to have something I haven't had in a long time with you! I want to love and do stupid shit together! I want to dance to cheesy songs and have you roll your eyes at me and go shopping together and go on adventures and fight bad guys! I want you, Ban!" Your tears were now falling freely as you stared up at him. His shock was now ridden on his face as he stared down at you either widened, hurt eyes.

"But I don't get what I want..." you mumbled, your voice lowering exponentially, "I don't get to do any of those things with you. I don't get a happy ever after. But... you do."

You smiled up at him. It hurt so bad to smile. You wanted to scream and punch and yell and cry so that everyone could hear you. You wanted to show Ban just how badly this hurt you, you wanted him to love you like he loved Elaine.

"Ban... I want you to have that storybook romance," you said shakily, tears falling down your face as you shook. You stared at him and smiled no matter how much it hurt. "That's why I'm doing this. Not to hurt you; not to make you feel bad; not to make this harder on you- but because I want you to go on with no regrets. So I'm putting it all out there.

"I want you to be happy, Ban. That's all I want, because I'm in love like a stupid schoolgirl and nothing can change that. So I want you to go find Elaine. Go find her and bring her back. I-I'm sure the team will want to meet her..." you choked on your words but kept on smiling.

"Besides," you sniffed, "I need to keep an eye on you, make sure you aren't an asshole to her too. She... she sounds absolutely amazing. A beautiful fairy saint- I'm jealous... But you deserve someone as good as her, and I can only hope she deserves you. Because deep down... you're a really, really great guy."

You stared up at him and your smile finally broke, turning into a quivering lip and a quiet sob. You stepped toward him and wrapped your arms around his torso, squeezing him against him- both as a goodbye and an attempt to hide your loss of composure. Secretly, deep in the back of your mind, you also wanted to enjoy him, all to yourself, one last time.

"Good luck, Ban. And don't worry, you don't have to say anything. I just didn't want to hold this in forever..."

You sniffed, then exhaled strongly, shaking your entire body and bouncing on your toes. You wiped away the tears and grinned widely, hands in your hips and looking deceivingly happy. You couldn't take being sad. It hurt too much. You wanted it to stop- even if that meant you had to bottle it up until it exploded.

Ban never cried. He couldn't cry. But, oh, did he want to. He understood now why you cried so much. It helps, it really does- to scream and let out everything, all the self-hatred and sadness. Ban couldn't cry, though. Not in front of you.

"(Y/N)," he said, and you looked up at him, a wide smile on your lips. "...thanks. You should go find your storybook romance too."

With that he turned around, beginning to walk off, fading into the distance. You turned around quickly too, heading into the tavern. Everyone was still asleep, so you headed up to (what was now) your personal room. You got into your bed, laying there.

Ban pursed his lips as he walked, shoving his hands into the pockets of his large cloak. He noticed faintly something in his pocket, although he didn't remember having anything there before. He pulled it out, looking at the small object.

It was nothing special, just a small, circular, black, metal coin, except it had his sin's symbol, the Fox, engraved on it. It was crimson, matching his eyes, he noticed. It was probably worthless- maybe a bit on the expensive side to buy, but nothing fancy or valuable in the long run.

But for some reason, this worthless coin felt like a weight on Ban's shoulders- a promise he could never keep. Be happy.

Ban saw the tears fall onto his hand before he felt them, and he choked out a desperate sob as he stared down at it.

What am I supposed to do? He thought sadly as he stared down at the gift, crying. He had frozen in place, I feel like I need to go to Elaine, but... not to be with her. And... I hurt (y/n)...

That last statement, although completely unrelated to his other thoughts, echoed in his mind, effecting him much more than he thought it would. He grit his teeth against each other, clenching a fist around the small coin. He pressed his enclosed hand against his lips, stifling a quiet whimper, which seemed to be multiplying, coming from his vocal chords without permission.

You lay in your bed, staring at the window, which was closed and locked. You ere just laying there, you're mind strangely silent. All of the sudden, you stayed crying again, sobs echoing quietly in the empty room. You didn't know why you were crying, but you did.

"Stop it, (y/n)..." you only cried harder, "Get it together...

"You can't be sad forever."