Truth In Words ✓[Secrets Book 3]

[Chapter Thirty-Nine] Addie

                                 I cannot change you,
                       but i can change how i react to you.
                  I choose to take charge fo the rest of my life.

Chapter Thirty-Nine – Addie

The video went quiet and so did the courtroom until chaos erupted all at once and I can't say that I wasn't glad that it did. My parents were shouting objections and the boys were yelling over at me but I ignored it the best I could.

'I'm going to kill you.' seemed to be the most common with them but I don't think anyone was paying attention to their words, everyone was speaking at once. I took a chance and looked over at Than, he was deathly quiet and calm, which in my experience is never a good thing.

When he got that way, it was when he would hurt me the most. He glared at me and I held my own, I was terrified of him but I didn't want to be anymore, I needed to show him that he can't control me anymore.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him and so many things I wanted to know, mainly why, but I know he'll never tell me that.

I want to know if he ever did love me or if it was all a lie.

I want to know why he started hitting me.

I want to know why he raped me, and then continued to.

I want to know why he brought his friends over.

I want to know if he ever once thought about my feelings in this.

I want to know if when he asked if I was okay if he had meant it; did he really care then?

I want to know if the tears were real when he would cry because he had hurt me.

I just want to know why; I want an explanation for turning my life into a nightmare. I want to know if I was so bad, if loving him was so horrible that he had to do that to me.

He's ruined me and scarred me in places no one can see.

I love Liam, and I know he loves me but it's always in the back of my mind that he's going to leave me, that I'm too much baggage for him. He wants a family and I may never be able to give him that after the trauma to my stomach.

He wants someone who can open up to him fully, the relationship his parents have and I don't know if I can do that, it was so hard doing this and it's just the facts. I'm going to need years of therapy to deal with all of this and I don't want to hold him back.

And with sex, I know that if Liam and I move forward with this relationship it's inevitable, if I get married it's unavoidable and I just don't know if I could ever do it again, I would think it would just bring up too many bad memories and I would freak out and that would hurt him, I don't want to hurt him.

Was everything he did to me his plan since the beginning or did he decide it alone the way? I torture myself late at night with these questions wondering if there was something I could have done different to make it all stop, to make it so  he wouldn't want to hurt me, to be better.

The judge finally got everyone quiet and seated and Than still sat there staring at me, Nathan stepped into his line of sight, he looked back at me and I nodded.

"I would like to ask Mr. Jackson's permission to let Miss. Gregory do the questioning from here." Nathan looked at the judge, Lisa and Lucas objected but Than ignored them.

"Addison is more than welcome to question me." He said and Lisa and Lucas looked irritated but the judge allowed it with a warning to watch myself. I needed to stay in control of the situation and keep things impersonal with him.