You've undoubtedly heard the tale of Robin Hood, but what if I was to tell you they got it all wrong?
First of all, Robin is female.
{All characters other than my own belong to J. R. R. Tolkien}
Chapter soundtrack: 'One Way Or Another' by Blondie.
♪ = cue music
I wrote most of this whilst under the influence of three rums and a Jack Daniels, so please enjoy. (viewer discretion is advised, also drink responsibly kids)
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Thranduil sits upon his throne, looking pretentiously bored as ever with his peachy cheek within the palm of his rested hand. Drawing in the piney air of the Woodland halls, he lets out a deep sigh.
King Thranduil is bored.
However, King Thranduil's boredom is about to get a kick up the ass.
The peaceful atmosphere comes crashing down as a party of short, stubby men stomp into the elf's domain. At first Thranduil is repulsed, especially upon recognising the species to be dwarves. Though repulse is replaced by confusion as the elf comes to realise they are females. It has been a long time since Thranduil has seen girl dwarves.
Thick beards protrude from their fat chins, wiry to the touch. Gandalf would be much jealous. Though the factor which gives their gender away is their attire. Thranduil's nose comes to scrunch in disgust as only a thin layer of skinned rabbit fur covers their plump breasts, and leather thongs leave no room for imagination.
"What is the meaning of this?" Thranduil questions, his tone rather cold even as the room has grown quite steamy.
"They claim to be the 'bearded Beyoncé's'." The king's guard remarks, looking to be just as confused. "They have come to perform."
Before Thranduil can raise more questions, the leading dwarf tells the guard to 'beat it', and the rest of her posse find their positions on the floor.
It is safe to say the King's boredom has deterioted.
"And no hanky tank in those tight pants of yours." The she-dwarf barks, placing a hand upon her wide, exposed hip. "My ladies may be hot, but we also know how to crush bones."
Thranduil has no response, sitting in shock as the party of dwarves break into song.
"Baby can't you see, I'm calling. A guy like you, should wear a warning. It's dangerous, I'm falling."
Their voices are about as attractive as the dwarves themselves. Thranduil tenses as one of the bearded ladies approaches his throne, running a stubby finger down his unguarded leg whilst holding intense eye contact.
"There's no escape, I can't wait. I need a hit, Baby, give me it. You're dangerous, I'm loving it"
The party of she-dwarves dance in a rather provocative motion, shaking their scrumptiously large booties before the king of Mirkwood.
