Lost Loving Souls (Connor x Reader)

Chapter 147

Connor's POV

Hank stayed with me through the night. He told me to get some rest and he'd stay up in case he got any news on (Y/n). I went to bed, but I didn't get any sleep. I stayed up, laying on my side as I tried to stop myself from crying. I was failing at that. All I could think about was the fear in her eyes. I'd hurt her and I scared her. I-I'm such an idiot. 

The bed felt empty once again. It reminded me of the first time I'd lost her. I shuddered at the memory. I wanted to move past it, but I found myself focusing on it instead. I remembered the sound of the shot and the sight of her blood covering the ground and soaking her clothes. It made my heart ache and my gut twist.

I'd sworn to protect her. Was it too much that I just wanted her to be safe? I just wanted to hold her and call her mine like other people could. I didn't understand why these things kept happening. The moment we were happy, something would rip us apart again.

I couldn't help thinking about what happened. I had just been so...upset. I didn't even know why. It...wasnt like me to get that way, especially towards her. I had just...lost my control and there was nothing I regretted more. I couldn't bear seeing her hurt and being the cause of her pain was killing me. 

I knew I deserved to be feeling the guilt, so I wasn't going to complain about that. I'd take the blame for it this time because there was nobody else to blame but me. It was my fault and I was willing to accept that and whatever consequence came with it. 

The only thing I wanted was to know that she was safe. That was all I wanted. I could take her anger and her tears, but I couldn't stand by if she was in danger of any kind. Once I knew she was safe, it would be her choice. I knew that and I wasn't going to try to stop her. That was my punishment. The fate of us was no longer influenced by what I did, it was up to her and her alone. 

I wiped my tears away and sighed heavily as I laid in bed. All I could do was think about how sorry I was. Words couldn't express the weight of my guilt. It seemed that I wasn't the only one feeling it. I had seen the look on Gavin's face when he'd arrived with Collin. I knew that he hadn't intended for any of this to happen either. I didn't think anybody had planned this. Why would they? 

As I thought about it, I came to a conclusion. This was the price of being alive. Emotions, pain, loss of composure and control, it all meant that I was a living being. That was the price of our freedom, hardship. 

I began to wonder if it was worth it. What would've happened if I had never fallen in love with (Y/n)? What would've happened if (Y/n) hadn't been there at all? Would Markus still have prevailed or would I have stopped him? Would I have even become a deviant? Something deep down inside of me told me that it had never been my choice. Something greater was in control and always had been. Was it fate or was it a higher entity? I couldn't be sure, but I knew that this was supposed to happen, whether we wanted it to or not.

I sighed once more as I stared at the ceiling, rest still refusing to accompany me. I felt the bed shift beside me. I turned my head and I saw Resinilly there with her blind kitten right behind her. Zayree mewled as he almost fell back off the bed again. He struggled to pull himself up. I reached for him and gently helped him onto the bed. 

The two sightless cats padded over to me and cuddled up beside me. It seemed they were trying to fill the empty space there. I didn't mind. The company and comfort were welcome at the time. I gently pet the two of them, taking turns stroking and scratching in their favorite places. Their purrs filled the silence of the room and I smiled, feeling slightly contented by the sound.

"Thank you," I told them. Zayree let out another little meow and I took that as a 'you're welcome'. 

As I looked at the kitten cuddled up next to me and his mother, my smile fell. A mother and her child... The sight both warmed and broke my heart. The baby might not have been mine, but it was wrong to take out such anger on something so sweet and innocent. The child hadn't asked to be born, it just was. 

Now that I was looking at everything in a different light, I realized that no matter what I would do everything in my power to make sure that both (Y/n) and her child were safe. It was not my child, but it was the child of the love of my life and I had been wrong to be angry at it. I had been wrong to be angry at all. I will fix this. I swore to myself. I HAVE to fix this. 

My determination faded as sleep finally started to take its toll on me. My eyes felt heavy as my body relaxed. I wanted to stay up in case Hank got any news, but I also knew that even if he did he probably wouldn't tell me until morning. It had been a long night for everyone, not just for me and (Y/n).

I glanced over at the cats one more time. I smiled softly. I began to think about something happier, something I hoped with all my heart would happen someday. I began to think about (Y/n) and I having a family of our own. I might not have been able to give her and actual family, but I could still picture the smile on her face as we watched the kids play. After all of this was over, I was going to see if my dream had a chance of coming true. 

I know I don't deserve you, (Y/n). I was wrong to feel like I was the superior one. I was so wrong. But, I swear that I will do everything in my power to make sure you get the life you deserve. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I pray that you will forgive me. I know I'm still going to make mistakes, but I promise to learn from them as I learned for this. I began to drift off. I smiled softly to myself as I closed my eyes. I hope to see you again soon so I can make it up to you, or at least try to. Goodnight...my love.