Complicated | Calum Hood (Sequel to Unexpected)

24.

TW: miscarriage, blood, etc.

Cal

Numb. I felt totally, and devastatingly numb. As if enduring an ultrasound where we'd waited to hear a heartbeat that never came wasn't horrific enough, Jes had been put through an exam that revealed she'd had an incomplete miscarriage and her symptoms could last for a week or more. They'd offered her several options to speed things up but none of them felt right to her so we'd just come home to wait it out.

She'd been crying ever since, her heartbreaking sobs echoing through our house in a song of sadness for the child we would never get the chance to know. It's such a strange concept, to mourn and miss someone you've never met.

I didn't even know where to begin to process my feelings, so instead I just remained in my state of numbness. For once I was grateful Paisley wasn't home. We wouldn't have to worry about her until the morning.

I run my hand down my face trying to get myself together as I walk lightly to the bedroom. Jes is buried in covers, the whole mass shaking from her cries. I lift the comforter back and lay down reaching for my wife and pulling her against my chest. I don't know how to help myself right now, let alone her, so I just hold her rubbing her back as her tears wet my T-shirt.

"I'm sorry." She whimpers, my face contorting in confusion.

"What?" I ask before I can stop myself.

"It's all my fault." I force her to look at me using my fingers to lift her chin.

"None of that. I don't blame you, no one blames you. The doctor said sometimes this just happens. It's no one's fault Jes."

"Why is this happening to us?" She asks her eyes clouded with her non-stop tears still trailing down her face.

"I—I don't know baby. But, we'll get through it okay?"

She nods and falls against me. I'm trying to be the glue that holds us together at this moment but I'm slipping. It's like a nightmare come to life. Every horrible feeling I'd imagined during the scare with Paisley is inaccurate, it's much worse.

The dark of night seems to only amplify my feelings of grief and hurt. Even when the darkness fades to the soft light of morning, the gaping whole is still present in my chest.

Maybe if we hadn't wanted this for months, if we hadn't already talked about the nursery, and names, and how to tell Paisley, it wouldn't hurt so bad. Knowing us though, we'd have been devastated no matter what.

Jes had finally cried herself to sleep around four this morning. It's only eight, but I haven't slept at all and the chances of any now are slim to none so I fill my place next to Jes with a pillow and kiss her forehead before slipping out of our room. I rub my face with my hands trying to make it look less shit than I'm sure it does. My efforts are futile but I can't really be bothered to care.

I grab my keys from the counter and text Luke that I'm coming to get my baby. I don't care how early it is, I need to hold my girl. I know Jes will want her close when she wakes up. We're the same that way. Like holding our living child will somehow help us deal with the loss of the child we'd never be able to hold.

Luke replies that Paisley had woken up early and they'd been keeping her entertained for around an hour.

I don't reply just raising the garage door and pulling out into the light traffic. I blare the radio hoping for some kind of distraction but it does little to occupy my mind. By the time I pull up at Luke's I'm desperate. I can feel the fragile pieces of myself threatening to completely fall apart.

I walk the short distance up the steps and knock on the door. It almost immediately swings open and Luke's face falls as he sees the state I'm in.

"Mate, what the fuck? Are you okay?"

"Not really. But it's fine. I just need to get P and get back home." I hope my tear stained face is enough to discourage any further questions and it seems to be as he calls for Sierra who appears with Pais and her bags.

"Is it Jes? Are you guys fighting?"

"Thanks guys. Um, no, nothing like that, but we're just really going through it right now, but I promise we'll be okay and we'll tell you guys everything once we process, okay?"

I reach for Pais and she leans to meet my arms. I move her to my side and pull her close. Using one hand to cradle the back of her head and press a kiss to the top.

"Did you have fun with Uncle Luke and Aunt Sierra?" She nods to answer my question but she's so smart.

"Daddy, why sad?"

"Mommy and Daddy are just sad today. Why don't we go see Mommy and you can give her all your cuddle and help us feel better, yeah bub?"

She nods and presses her lips to my cheek in her sloppy toddler display of affection. I turn to walk back to the car. Calling behind me my thanks to the my friends as they just give me that look people give when they pity you. I can't deal with getting that look right now so I don't look back.

P seems to know I need her to cooperate and ditches her normal antics she reserves for when she's being put in her car seat. I fall into the driver's seat and look at my baby in the backseat. I wonder if she'd have had a bother or a sister. I wonder a lot of things.

I peel her off the seat when we get home and she clings to my neck with her little arms.

"Thanks bubby. Let's go find momma."

An: it's short but I wanted to update!

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