Complicated | Calum Hood (Sequel to Unexpected)

31.

Jes

I nibble slowly at my piece of pizza, turning over the words that fill my brain. I don't know how to tell Calum our news. I know that he needs to be told but every time I go to speak my brain seems to turn off and my lips fail to let the words fall.

I sigh and set the slice back down on my plate.

"Something wrong?" Calum asks curiously, turning his attention to me and away from Paisley who he had been helping to feed.

"No...no, I'm fine." I finally force myself to say.

"You sure? You seem off. Something happen at Lena's?"

"No, baby, I'm good. Just not hungry I guess. I think I'm gonna go lay down in the bedroom." I say rising to my feet. I throw the remnants of my pizza away before redirecting my attention to him. "Do you think you can finish with her and clear up then get her settled for bed? I'll come say goodnight in a bit I'm just not feeling well."

His eyes narrow and he looks genuinely concerned for me, but he nods as I turn to head for the bedroom. I feel a pang in my heart for not being completely honest with him. I really am not hungry, but the cause is the morning sickness, which should really be renamed to "all hours of the day" sickness in my case. I don't want to look at him when I know I am hiding something from him. Before Lena knew it didn't feel as wrong. Now though I feel deceitful, and I hate the way the guilt seems to coat my entire body.

I stumble up the stairs and fall into our bed. Burying myself in the blankets and trying to gather the courage to tell him. He's going to be so excited. I have no fears about that. I know Calum wants this and he will love our new baby as much and as well as he loves PK. My concerns are all so dark. Flashbacks to the true life nightmare we had barely survived just a few short months ago knocking on the door of my mind and leaving me stunned into silence at the fear of having to withstand that kind of pain alone. I wanted to protect him from having to go through that again. There were no guarantees that this time would go any better for us and that was the entirety of why I was so hesitant to tell him.

I toss and turn in the sheets until my body is completely encapsulated in a thin layer of sweat. I groan as I bring a hand up to cover my face.

What am I going to do?

I run through the worst case scenario in my mind.

Say I do have another miscarriage, could I really bear to go through that again, this time alone? But then again, was I selfish enough to put Cal at risk of having to go through that again with me? I know what all the doctor's have told us. Sometimes these things just happen. I'm not at anymore risk that anyone else right now. So far everything looks normal, then again though, hadn't it last time?

"Jes?" I turn to face the door as his voice is accompanied by a small knock.

He pads into the room and sits on the edge of the bed. I glance over and notice he's holding something in his hands. A small white box.

Fuck.

Cal

"C'mon P. Your mum doesn't feel good so Dada is going to get you ready for bed okay?"

She nods and reaches her arms up for me. I grab her up and take her to her room. I get her clean and leave her to play for a few moments while I clean up dinner. I head back to the kitchen putting the remains of the pizza into a plastic container and shoving it in the fridge before throwing the box away.

Trash day is tomorrow, I remember as I set to collecting all the garbage from around the house. I pause when I get to the guest bathroom. My hand slips and some of the trash slides out from the bag onto the floor. I bend down to grab up the box that has fallen and pause.