Complicated | Calum Hood (Sequel to Unexpected)

26.

Jes

It's been a while since I've had an anxiety attack.  I had almost forgotten how terrifying it is to have your lungs be non responsive and to feel like you are dying.

I collapse onto the floor when I reach the guest bathroom. Covering my mouth as I try to contain my sobs. I silently beg for Calum to come find me. To know me as well as I think he does and know that I need him. To know I could never be okay with what we are going through and with what our friends have just revealed to us.

I fold myself up until I am as small as I can possibly be. Dropping my head between the knees of my bent legs. Trying to gather my thoughts and regulate my breathing. I take deep breaths focusing on the tile pattern as I breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. I try to use my senses to ground myself, but nothing is working.

My eyes flash up as I hear the doorknob jiggle and I instantly start to relax when I find myself staring into Calum's coffee brown eyes. He immediately registers the situation and drops down to sit on the cold tile, reaching for my hand and pulling me into his lap.

I fall against him, heaving uneven sobs into his chest as I try to collect myself. He uses his hand to place my own against his heart. He uses his calming voice to whisper into my ear.

"Breathe with me." He say, tracing light circles across my back. "Shh. Shh. Everything is gonna be okay baby. We're okay. We're okay."

He coaxes me through until I am finally able to gain some sense of composure. I use my sleeve of my jacket to wipe away the tears from my face and stand. My knees shake but Cal holds me steady knowing I need a moment. I look up and face the girl in the mirror. I barely recognize her.

My makeup is a mess so I grab a makeup wipe from the counter knowing Crystal won't mind and begin to just take it off. Cal reaches out and stops me, taking the wipe from my grasp and turning me so I am facing him, gently wiping the product away. He takes his time and makes sure to get it all. When he's done I return to my previous activity of just looking at myself. In just a short week my face has become sunken in, the bags and dark circles under my eyes prominent in ways they haven't been since Cal and I worked out our issues. I look like a shell of my former self and I am not sure how to bring the old Jes back from this.

"I don't even look like myself." I say quietly, my voice coming out as more of a whine.

Cal tucks his chin between my head and shoulder and kisses the skin on the top of my shoulder.

"You're still beautiful. You've been through hell and back the past week."

"You have too, but you aren't in your best friends bathroom having a complete breakdown."

"Jes, everyone deals with things differently. I definitely am not fine, but it's also different for me. I wasn't the one sharing my body with another person. I didn't have to go through the physical parts of this. I could never be as strong as you. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't feel very strong, right now." I admit dropping my gaze to the floor and away from his intense stare. "Did you tell them?" I ask with a sigh.

He shakes his head no and I have to admit I am surprised.

"You asked me not to." He says, shrugging his shoulders.

"I guess I'm just surprised you listened." I offer a small smile. "We need to talk to them though. My behavior wasn't appropriate until they understand.

I twist the knob and step into the hallway looking back and grabbing Calum's hand. I can't do this without him. Hell, I don't know if I can do this at all. I haven't tried to talk about it with anyone and I'm not sure I'll be successful but I have to try. We have to begin to heal and move forward somehow.

We walk into the living room, my hand still clutching Cal's in a death grip, and everyone turns to look at us. All of our friends waiting for an explanation. Paisley looks up, sees my face and deserts Ash and Kay running over and extending her arms to me like she knows I need her right now, because I do. I scoop her up, holding her tightly against me and accepting all of her kisses as she tries to make me feel better.

"You guys wanna tell us all what that was about? What the past week has been about? Why you both look like absolute shit?" Luke asks softly and I just look to Calum. He's gonna have to do this. I literally do not feel capable.

"Let's all sit." Cal says quietly after I nod to him that we need to do this. Our friends need to know.

We sit on the couch and I lean against Calum's side as he clears his throat, everyone's full attention on us.

"Um, so, basically. Jes and I started trying for another baby before our wedding. We want more kids and we decided we were ready. We want them to be close in age like Mali and I." He sighs and I know he's taking his time, trying to be strong and hold it all together. Cal is an emotional guy but he doesn't like to show his emotions so publicly.

"Basically we kind of struggled to get pregnant, it took us a few months which we were not expecting since Paisley happened in one night. Jes was already upset because we didn't get pregnant right away, but it finally happened."

"But that's a good thing! Right?" Michael asked innocently.

"Just let me finish mate." Calum said grimly. "She was like what, ten weeks?" He asks glancing over to me and I nod.

"Anyways, she was like 10 weeks last week but that night you guys watched Pais?" He says looking to Luke and Sierra. "We were at the restaurant and she just started bleeding. We rushed to the hospital hoping it was just a scare like when she was pregnant with Paisley, but it wasn't and their wasn't anything they could do. So the whole past week she's just been dealing with this loss. Well we both have but she's the one that's been in so much pain, there were some complications with the miscarriage and it was brutal for her. Then we come here and this, and listen we are happy for you guys. We are so excited for you all to become parents. It's the best thing that's ever happened to us and we love Paisley more than life itself. But we already loved that baby too and to come here and hear your news was just really—" He trails off and I look over to see a stray tear rolling down his face. I lean towards him and wipe it away as i looks up and sniffs back his emotions. He just shakes his head unable to continue.

"I'm really sorry." I say. "We weren't going to tell you. I didn't want to ruin tonight but when that was your news." I stop myself to take a shaky breath and collect myself. "I'm sorry." I repeat.

Everyone stays quiet for a moment and then we are overwhelmed with love from our friends. Everyone hugs us and loves on us my fears that they'd be angry with my reaction dissipate as they express their condolences to us. As they do I'm surprised to feel free. Like their validation of my feelings of grief and support for Cal and I make this nightmare slightly easier to bear.

Cal reaches over to squeeze my hand and I return the gesture. It is going to hurt for a while, that much is certain but we're going to get through this. We are going to be okay.

An: They're finally starting to heal a little bit 🖤

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Sav 🖤