I went out of my room. That was the first time after a whole week. I only left my room to go to the bathroom. But I never went downstairs in that week. I ate almost nothing and sometimes Jai brought me a drink.
I slowly walked downstairs. Stair for stair. Not moving fast. In the kitchen I saw Gina. I guessed it was one of the days on which she managed ro be somewhere else with her thoughts. I heard her crying a lot the last week. We've all cried a lot.
"Love, I thought I would never see you again." Gina said and hugged me. "Sorry, mom." Yeah, I called her mom. She was my mom. I had two mom's, my biological mom and my second mommy. I loved her as much as my biological mother. "How are you feeling today?" she asked and I started sobbing. She hugged me even tighter and whispered "I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for all of us."
I heard someone walking into the kitchen but I didn't bother to look who it was. Only seconds later I felt another pair of arms around me. They were strong and a soft voice whispered "We're gonna get through this." It was Jai. I shook my head and said "Yeah, maybe. But what if not? What if I can never forget that it was my fault? What if I forget how he looked like? What if I forget how he smelled? What if I forget how he sounded? What if I forget everything about him and all the memories connected with him?"
We stopped hugging each other and I saw a tear in the corner of Gina's eye as she said "I'll leave you alone." I kissed her cheek and turned around to Jai while she left the kitchen. "You won't forget all this. I'll always be here for you and I'm sure one day we can talk about him with a smile on our face and not with tears in our eyes because we will remember what a great boy he was."
"But I'm so scared." I whispered and Jai hugged me. No one of us ever said 'his' name. We all knew who it was. It was the boy who made us laugh, the boy who made us smile, who made us happy, who cheered us up, who was an inspiration to a lot of people, who was able to deal with hate because he knew he had people around him who loved him for who he was. He was the boy who showed me was 'caring about one' meant. He was the one who taught me to believe in myself. But even though he was all that and more, he was just a normal boy. He was just Luke.
"I love you so much and I know he loves you too. He is watching us now. He'll take care of us and he'll always be with us." Jai whispered. "I need to shower." I said and went upstairs. Jai followed me and before I could disappear in the bathroom he grabbed my wrist and I turned around. "Don't do something silly. I know what's going on on your mind now." He let me go and I went into the bath.
I got out of my clothes and jumped under the shower. The hot water started to wash away my troubles. Well that was what I expected. It was always like that, every time I was in trouble or when I was sad I took a shower and felt better. But this time I just couldn't get things off my mind. I quickly washed myself and turned off the water. I grabbed my towel and wrapped myself into it before I went to my room.
In my room it smelled disgusting. It was like the window hass never been opened. All my feelings and emotions seemed to fly around in the air. On my bed I saw pictures of Luke and me. I turned away and got dressed before I took one of the pictures which was in a frame. Something seemed to fall out of the frame so I pulled it out. It was a piece of paper which was folded. I opened it and saw it was a letter.
Holly,
You are truly the most wonderful girl ever, I love you so much. I'm so grateful to have someone like you around me. Even though it's hard to see you and Jai together. Well, you had troubles because of me but today you came back together. I forced Jai to talk to you after he's told me that he's still in love with you after what we've done. And I knew you love him, too.
However, this breaks my heart. Of course I'm happy that you're happy again and I'm thankful for the time we had but it hurts though. I need to take a walk or just drive somewhere with the car right now. I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. I just felt like doing it.
And if you're reading it I probably gave it to you or something happened to me. I just hope it was the first way. You make me smile like an idiot, seriously. I've never met a girl like you before and sometimes I think Jai doesn't even know how much luck he has with you. And even if I'll meet another girl and fall in love with her, you will always be the one that defines perfection for me.
Either you will always be the one I love with all my heart because I'm really in love with you, or you will always be the one I love because I see you as my sister. Because you are a sister to me. (Okay this sounds odd, at first I tell you how much I love you and now I say you're my sister. This is just so hard to expalin. I mean... what I feel for you.)
I guess I just need to drive around a bit now. I love you so much. - Luke
I realized that I had tears in my eyes when I finished reading the letter. This letter was written on the day he had his accident. And it was like the cutest thing I've ever read. He was so in love with me but all I did was trying to be happy with Jai. It must have been even harder for Luke to see us than I thought.
"Holly?" someone whispered before he opened the door. I saw it was Beau. And he was crying, I've never really seen him crying before. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed right next to me. "I found this letter." I whispered and handed it to Beau. He read it and tried to smile at me. "He loved you even more than I thought." Through our tears we both tried to smile which was quite hard.
"He didn't deserve all this." I said and Beau started hugging me. "I miss him so much, Holly." he whispered. "I know I miss him, too."
The next day I woke up to find myself between Beau, Gina and Jai. All of us were just laying in my small bed. Then I started to remember what happened last night: After Beau and I had been crying for a long while Gina and Jai must have heard us. They came upstairs and joined us. We all cried a bit but then Gina said "Luke wouldn't like to see us like this."
"Luke was an amazing brother." Beau said and we all smiled a bit. We started to talk about all the things we loved about Luke. From his hair to the way he hugged us. And it kinda felt like Luke was just sitting there with us and talking with us. It felt like he was with us, it sounded so odd but it just felt like that.
"Jai?" I whispered and he woke up, we went out of my room and went downstairs to sit on the sofa. "Want some breakfast?" he asked while he got himself an apple. I shook my head. "Holly, you have to eat something. In the last week you ate around one apple. That's not healthy. I know how you feel but don't do this to you." Jai said and sounded really worried. But I just shook my head again. "Jai, you understand nothing. I know he was your brother and you miss him as much as we all do, but it was my fault that he had to die."
"How often do I have to tell you that it was NOT your fault?" Jai said while he sat down next to me. "You don't have to tell me, I know that I'm right. You don't know how he was feeling, he loved me and sometimes I think he loved me even more than you do but I was too busy with trying to make you and me happy so that I didn't notice. Jai! You can't even imagine how he must have felt!"
"So, you think that he loved you more? Well, why didn't you choose him then? WHY?" Jai sounded really mad and he spoke really loud. And he said it with a tone that made me feel like he hated me. I stood up and ran out of the house. I turned around to see that Jai was following me but I couldn't hear him, everything I've heard was the word 'Guilty, guilty, guilty.' in my head.
I didn't know where I was running, I was just running away, I tried to escape from all the problems and sadness but they followed me, everywhere I was they were with me.
"Mrs. Brooks!" someone yelled at me.
