IX - Rückkehrunruhe

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n. the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness—to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all, even though it felt so vivid just days ago—which makes you wish you could smoothly cross-dissolve back into everyday life, or just hold the shutter open indefinitely and let one scene become superimposed on the next, so all your days would run together and you'd never have to call cut.

* * *

I feel like I am floating in all this darkness. Like being caught underwater but able to breathe through the calm water. My body feels light as a feather. And then brightness behind my closed eyes force me to open them up.

I recognize the white curtains, the white ceiling and walls, the red and black ladybug polkadots bed sheet, the study table and cabinet against one wall, and the feeling of familiarity in everything. I immediately sit up, pushing my eyeglasses back properly and finding out that I am really back home. I reach out for my phone that had just been beside me and read the time.

1830. Still the same time... Monday, June 20XX. Still the same day... Parang hind man lang ako nawala. Panaginip nga lamang ba ang lahat ng iyon?

But if it is all a dream... Why do I remember every single detail of what happened?

I can remember the first time that I've been there. When the ringing sound of cannon and gunfire echoes all around me. When Isidro Wenceslao approached me and welcomed me to that weird time such as the Philippine Revolution of 1896. When he introduced me to a man I've only known through history books as the young General Gregorio del Pilar. And I've talked to him. He got angry and furious and disappointed with me. And all I did was try to live up in all of the standards he had set. And Isidro told me the only way to get out of that place was a mango, and Goyo had given me a mango.

I turn to the direction of my computer and look on at its screen, fearful of what it could show this time. It still reads the same words that I've seen even before I've been part of the game. But, this time, it no longer frightens me with its mystic and cryptic message. I shyly press 'ESC' and it disappears from the screen, and then I eject the disc. And the computer obeys me with my commands. I remove the disc and look intently at it, wondering what's causing this change all of a sudden.

Possible ba na hindi talaga iyon panaginip? Na talagang...

I shake my head and place the disc back to its case. My eyes linger onto the title another time.

So... sila Goyo... totoo talaga yung laro?

I've finally made up my mind that I'll keep my hands away from this game, and that I'll be returning this disc at the shop tomorrow. I'll be honest that I didn't stole it, and clumsy me had the disc slip through my bag without me even knowing it.

I check my schedule, finding that my class ends much earlier tomorrow. If I bolt out of my last class tomorrow, I'll be able to drop the disc back to the shop without Mom knowing where I've gone. I could also say the trump card that I've been caught in a trafficjam, but even with that, I'll need to ensure that I am ahead with time. I also hesitate to tell Via that I have a game landing straight into my bag, and I don't want to worry her about it. In the end, I've decided that I'll be returning the disc on my own.

# # #

The following morning isn't any good. Like yesterday, I almost end up late in my class. Good thing that I've woke up ahead than my alarm clock. But there's still my Mom telling me this and that even during breakfast. And the dog barking by the street, and the buses speeding with full passengers.

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