Spencer Reid Imagines

Before you go

July 7, 2020

~EDITED~

a/n:

For every song imagine I'll do a little overview and explanation so you guys can understand the plot that I am going for more!

Song imagine: Before you go by Lewis Capaldi

*Word Count: >1K*

Warning: Mentions of suicide

Summary: Spencer has been distant from you for over a month but every time you try to ask about it he brushes it off and says he'll be fine. No matter how many times you ask he won't tell, he tries to put up a brave front. You don't bug him as much anymore but you always show that you are there for him, sitting with him silently, waking up before him to make him coffee. It must not have been enough because he tried to kill himself. Is this it? Is it over for you and Spencer?

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Your POV

I fell by the wayside like everyone else

I fell for you hard, just like everyone on the team said I would. They knew even before we did that we loved each other.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself

I tried to convince myself to hate you so I could leave you before you left me. But the longer I looked into your eyes the more I fell in love with you. You are the only person who has made me fall this hard Spence.

Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

As soon as I got the call I drove to the hospital as fast as I could. Memories of us replaying in my head. The first time we met, the first time we said I love you, the time we spent our day off just reading, drinking coffee and watching doctor who. But all of that is gone now. All I hear are the words that I should've said. I didn't say I love you enough. I didn't show it enough.

When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't

I knew you were hurting but you tried to put on a brave front. Even though I called you out on it. You never admitted it. You told me that with time your scars would heal but I wanted to be there with you to mend the wounds as you were hurt. I stayed with you silently because you didn't want to talk, so I did everything I could to show you I was there and that you weren't alone. This time I know time won't heal us, even though I so desperately want it to.

So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

You tried to leave me, in the worst way possible. Was it something I did or said? Maybe I didn't do enough. I want to know what I could've done to relieve the pain you were feeling. I would carry the world on my shoulders if it meant that you were happy.

So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go

You didn't think that you were enough. You never thought you were enough no matter how many times I reassured you that you were. Is that why you tried to end it? I rack my brain for reasons why and feel myself getting angrier and angrier as I think about how your brilliant beautiful mind could make you think you're worthless.

Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all

Every time I tried to call you, you were busy. We used to stay up for hours talking on the phone until eventually we just stopped.

Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

I remember all our sad moments but I chose not to dwell on them because when we were happy we were so good. Now all I see is the look on your face when I ran into your hospital room. You looked tired and beaten, and seeing the wires attached to you only made my imagination run wild. I was terrified that I lost the only thing worth living for.

When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, some can heal, but this won't

You weren't the only one hurting. I was hurting because of you and I didn't care because at least there was a you in my life.

Would we be better off by now
If I'd have let my walls come down?
Maybe, I guess we'll never know
You know, you know

Maybe we would've been happier if I opened up more. But I guess now we'll never know and it breaks my heart.

Before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

As you lay in the hospital bed I ask you "is there anything I could've done to make you happier?" tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

"How!" you screamed at me as I asked you what you meant. "I'm in this hospital bed because I tried to kill myself. I pushed you away and the more I did the more persistent you were on staying. Now you ask me what you could've done better? There was nothing you could've done better because you were perfect! You are perfect. You were there for me no matter what! And I hate myself for hurting you because of what I thought about myself."

So, before you go

You stood beginning to walk out of the room. I have no idea where you would go because you weren't discharged yet. You were almost at the door before I said

"Wait." it was more of a whisper, I didn't think you heard me. But then you paused by the door so I continued.

"Before you go answer me this, did you ever love me or did you just love that I loved you"

You turned around slowly "Of course I love you and I will always love you"

"Then don't go." I pleaded.

"I have to." you replied with tears in your eyes.

"No, you don't. stay."

"You still want me to stay?" you asked. I nodded. You slowly walked over to me and then hugged me tight.

"Okay."

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a/n:

This was the first song based imagine I've ever made I feel like I probably could've made it better but I wasn't sure what I should keep and what I should change. This imagine was a small interpretation of what I think this song means but with a twist! Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed it! Have a great day!