𝑀𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠-𝑗ℎ✔️

𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 27: 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑜𝑟 𝑃𝑎𝑖𝑛?

𝐵𝑒𝑙𝑙'𝑠 𝑃𝑜𝑣
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*clank*

I set another beer glass on the table. My 5th one in the past hour.

I find that drinking and smoking takes the pain away, give me another sensation of happiness, something I'm not feeling.

How are you suppose to feel when your just a big game to the boy you love?

he even admit he loves me.

that just doesn't go away, that feeling is something that last forever, if it's right.

I believe, this was right, we were right.

We were healing each other and we just tour everything down, in the blink of an eye.

I feel a tear slip out of my eye, I quickly take my hand and wipe it away.

I refuse to cry. Everything is in my head from my mom to him.

My mother was a beautiful women. She had these beautiful brown eyes and beautiful jet black hair. She was gorgeous and she was a good soul. Always wanting to help people, whenever. She loved me and Caleb, even my dad. She loved everyone with a passion, with a purpose. She had feelings no one else, she cared and loved like her world depending on it and always made it clear that. She always made sure people knew that.

The last time I heard the words "I love you" that were directed to me was the day my mom passed.

Like I said, Caleb doesn't speak to if he is with friends, which is rare and my dad isn't home.

Charlotte never really said it, at all. Now, she just left so i'm alone.

So hearing freak boy say it, made it, all the more times special but yet heartbreaking.

Yes, I'm extremely hurt by Jaden but also my mother.

I miss my mother, I missed the way her eyes light up when she seen my father or when she was proud of herself or someone else. She had this fire in her eyes and her face light up. It was love.

She loved and felt like there was no tomorrow and she embraced it, every moment of it. Something most us over look or hate.

She always knew what you were thinking and were you were meant to go in life.

Loving someone with everything you have isn't a joke or something to be tossed around. It a very serious thing to me, something I feel so little but when I do, it's over powering.

It hurts to a point knowing he said that to me, so quietly and confidently. He was saying it as he meant it, it wasn't from his brain nor a reaction to  for me to "forgive" him, it was from his heart. He meant it from the bottom of his soul, I knew that but a part of me if still furious, broken.

He may have loved me, maybe it was just a game us, but why did he say that.

I have so many unanswered questions, so many unwanted thoughts, so many lost connections.

More than anything, I just want to speak with my mom.

I want to let her know I miss her let her know I need her.

I'm alone in this big world, once again.

My secrets are out there with the one boy I hated. My family is in shambles and is barley talking to me, well me not talking to it. My bestfriend ditched me for popularity, however, the only one who hasn't left my side in years was my mom

and him.

Freak boy, he knows my secrets, my worries, me basically. As much as i'm mad at him, he is my rock. The rock I'll never loose.

He sort of us my lucky special rock.

Or maybe we are like a rock.

So easily breakable, but so strong and sturdy.

We have many indents and history.

Each rocks have layers, the layers make us.

We make the layers of colors and dulness. Love, trust, kindness, the goofiness but what most important what brought us together.

That's where I believe my mom comes in.

I believe, she felt so hard and so deep she knew, me and him were the two that were meant to be together, the sun and moon, the rock, the stars in the sky, i'm his bee and he's my freak. She was guiding us together because she knew, all along.

She knew my feelings would always over power me, she knew that we were so different yet so alike. She knew from the very beginning that me and him, were always meant to be an us.

I just want to put this behind us, but this lack of trust this lack of compassion behind us and I just want to be with him after everything.

but we all know, the fairytale endings he goes on about,

will never be a reality for us,

we will always find a way to ruin it,

even if we are each other's

sun and moon, the stars in the sky, each other's rock, each other's gravity, even if we are just

just

each other's bandage.

those are only temporary, and eventually everything will break.

I have to accept there is no healing me, not even him.

He was, in the end, ripping the bandage off and cutting deeper.

He ended being the one person I didn't want to hurt me,

i don't even know why I'm thinking about him,

i'm just a game.

I try my best to push the thought of my mother and Jaden out my head, wiping my soaking face with my sleeves and taking beer from the case and opening, chugging it.

The burning sensation running down my throat, making me forgot all everything.

I decide to go see her, just to see why.

Why things are hard, why she isn't her, but most importantly, why she thought we were destiny.

because I do believe, she pushed me too him.

She was looking out from me, up above. She really did love me, and so did he.

fuck life.

a/n: is this a chaotic mess, yes yes it is. I feel like I just write based off my feelings at the time. I don't plan I just write them hoping it turns out okay. This ties kinda together but also is all over the place, I kind of like it. It's like a human mind, see. I think way to deep into things. Anyways, enjoy this mess:) I thought I bring her mom into this kind showing he brought out every part of her, even love and even pain. Idk, I just write on how the characters would feel(and myself) and they end up deep because my mind wonders so much. Okay, mini weird rant over, it's 4am, goodnight:).

Also as you see, I talk about love a lot. Apart of me really wants that to be a reality but it's such a big thing that we over look and when we do feel it, it's magical yet has so many challenges. So, I thought I would be deep with it. My mind thinks very deeply into things and im going insane, please send help, haha.
I hope you all enjoy this, okay officially goodnight:)