JB3: The Governor's Secret[ PUBLISHED UNDER ETLUX OC PUBLISHING INC]

35

Narcido Jonas Juariz

I am not a perfect man.

I am not a perfect man but I was taught to be one. I was taught how to act like a gentleman when the ladies from a well-known family approach me. I was taught how to smile even when I'm not in the mood to do so. I was taught how to swallow my fear and kill people without mercy. I was taught how to become the perfect monster that I currently am.

My grandfathers taught me a lot of things but they didn't teach me how to become a man. They didn't teach me how to become a son. They didn't teach me how to become a brother.

They didn't teach me how to become to become a father to my kids. They didn't teach me how to become a husband to a kind-hearted man.

All my life, ang alam ko lang ay kung paano maging isang duwag at sunod-sunuran sa lahat ng kagustuhan ng mga lolo ko. But I'd rather sacrifice my freedom than have my brothers and parents' freedom taken away. I have seen them get broken once. And I don't want to see that again, lalong-lalo na ang mga magulang ko.

I know all the shits my parents went through from the cruel hands of my ancestors. Alam ko dahil bata pa lang ako kinikwento na ito ng lola ko. The woman who tamed the monster in me. The woman my demons saw as their master. She'd apologize to me in my parents stead because she thought they loated her. Everytime she recalled the memories of my dad begging for her support, she'd wept terribly on her rocking chair.

She'd always tell me how she failed as a mother and as a wife. All her life she regretted not being able to fight back for us. I know she tried. Alam kong sumubok siya but my grandfather is an empire that cannot be taken down with guns or tears. He was inevitable.

He was inevitable because he got nothing to lose. Wala itong pakialam sa amin. He was an egocentric, ambitious, and heartless man. Handa itong pumatay kapag naging sagabal ka sa plano niya. Handa siyang talikuran at traydurin ka kapag wala ka ng silbi sa kanya. He kept my grandmother on his side as a reminder of his fucked up perfect life. Isang tropiyo lang ang tingin niya dito. The trophy he won from killing a whole clan of elites.

I loathed my grandfathers. I have always hated them since I became aware of the world. I hated my parents. I hated my brothers. I hated everything in my life except for my grandmother. Pakiramdam ko nabubuhay lang ako para sa ibang tao.

I have never tried to live for myself.

Hindi ako nagkaroon ng matinong mga kaibigan, walang matinong relasyon. Even my relationship with Shanice was a shit too pero ito lang ang tanging taong pakiramdam ko nakakaintindi sa akin dati. She wasn't that great back then but she's the only woman I can tolerate. She's the only woman my family likes for me.

Sa kabila ng pagkamuhi ko sa kanila hindi ko namalayang unti-unti na pala akong naging katulad ng mga taong kinamumuhian ko. I was too broken and doubtful of everyone that I didn't get to see who really cared for me.

Hindi ko namalayang unti-unti na pala silang lumalayo sa akin. They were starting to fade away from my life when I realized that they are actually the people that I needed. At kung kailan alam ko na ang halaga nila doon naman sila inilayo sa akin.

"Kuya,"

I don't need to raise my head up to know who amongst my motherfuckng brothers called me. Nathan's the only one who have the most annoying voice out of the four.