360° (gxg)

Part 28

Since then, naging mas malapit pa kami ni Angel sa isa't-isa. She would always be at my house or vice versa. But at school, lowkey lang yung friendship namin. Not that kinakahiya ko siya that time, but my so called friends at that moment, safe to say na maaattitude at maaarti. There bullies and takot akong pakialaman o gawan nila ng masama si Angel.

We both talked about that issue naman and agreed to lowkey our friendship. We made sure na transparent kami sa isa't-isa, na dapat ay honest kami. Though, di niya alam na baluktot ako and that I was in love with her. Di ko kayang maging honest sa kanya about my feelings for her because takot akong layuan niya. I'm a coward, yes.

Every vacation nun, pumupunta ako sa lugar ng grandparents ko sa side ng mom ko. This is also the time na umuuwi ng Pilipinas si Alister and sa lugar naman na yun nag aaral si Ysabelle. Yearly namin yun ginagawa. And since malapit na kami ni Angel sa isa't-isa, isinama ko na siya. I want to introduce her to my two bestfriends as my new besty and hopefully, as my girlfriend soon (so help me God, ahahaha).

And about my sexuality that time, alam yun nina Ysabelle and Alister. The first time I told them was when I was only 8 years old. Though I told them that I was still confused that time but nothing the less, they assured me that they would still accept me for who truly I was. And I am thankful and blessed for that.

Nung nagmeet na kaming magkakaibigan at naipakilala ko na si Angel sa kanila, iba yung mga tingin na ipinukol nila sa akin. Makahulugan yung tingin na ipinukol ni Ysabelle sa akin pero wala siyang sinabi sakin. Si Alister naman that time, gago talaga. Pinaalon-alon ba naman yung kilay niya sa akin na may nakakalokong ngisi sa mukha. Pero masaya parin ako that time dahil malugod nilang tinanggap si Angel sa circle of friendship namin.

I was in grade 5 na when my mom give birth to my younger sister. That time narin ay mas naging malapit pa tagala kami ni Angel sa isa't-isa. Even at school ay showy na kami sa friendship namin. I was slowly avoiding my former friends at that school that time. Bagong buhay ika nga.

When I finally reached grade 6, naging intimate yung friendship namin ni Angel.   But we are not girlfriends. Bigla nalang siya nun naging malambing at sweet sa akin. Though sweet na siya before, mas lalo siyang naging sweet. And me as a coward gay, medyo naiilang ako but gusto ko rin yung feeling that time. Basta ang gulo ko.

Then one day, nag-out siya sa akin. It was in the school campus when she confessed her feelings for me. I was speechless that time due to the overwhelming feeling but also from my anxiety. Gustong gusto ko magtatalon sa saya at halikan siya dun mismo, pero gago ako. Takot akong gago ako na mag out in public. Marami nung nakatingin na co-students din sa school nayon. Yung mga dati kong so called 'friends daw kuno sa campus ay nakatingin sa amin ng may pandidiri sa mga mata nila. At dahil isa akong takot na gagong baluktot, ginawa ko ang isang bagay na alam kong habang buhay kong pagsisisihan...

Tinawanan ko siya. I mocked her while rejecting her feelings for me. Ininsulto ko siya dun misyo. Nakisali pa sa pang iinsulto yung mga former 'friends' ko kuno pati narin yung mga studyante dun at nagsitawanan ang lahat.

In her eyes, kita ko yung sakit dun. Gahd! I was a monster. Isa-isa ring tumulo yung luha niya. At ang sa mukha ko, I fake a facade of an smirking face, but behind that facade, I was hurting. Deep inside I am regretting the words I uttered. I am a fucking bitch. Gago ako!

Nung tumakbo na siya paalis sa pwestong yun, nilapitan naman ako ng mga 'friends' ko habang tumatawa sila. They even congratulate me for what I did. They even asked me. "Is this planned?" They say. And I faked a smile while nodding. They patted my back after that.