The Unwanted Child

Unwanted 26

EVERYTHING HAPPENED so fast. So fast that I can't even remember how did I managed to walked straight.

I can't think straight, nakakapagod. Hindi ko alam kung paanong humantong bigla sa ganito ang lahat. Parang wala ako sa sarili ko na nakatingin lang sa kawalan, umaasa na baka bigla nalang may lumitaw na kasagutan. Umaasa na baka masagot lahat ng tanong sa utak ko ngayon.

Na baka, baka may matinong sagot akong makuha. Yung katanggap-tanggap naman sana.

Dahil parang hindi ko pa kayang tanggapin yung dahilan nila, bored? Gano'n ba 'yon? Sapat naba yung wala kang magawa para gumawa ka ng bagay na ikasasakit ng iba?

Funny how we care for those person who only hurt us in return.

"Binalaan na kita 'diba?"

"...." nananatili akong walang kibo, hindi binibigyang pansin ang kung sino man na tumabi sa akin ngayon.

"I hate you more because of what happened." tinignan ko siya.

Natawa ako habang nakatingin sakaniya kaya kumunot ang noo niya. As if wondering why the hell am I laughing.

"Ano pabang bago do'n?" tanong ko sakaniya, wala ng bahid ng tawa. "Everybody hates me, I know. Even my parents, so what's new?" dagdag ko pa.

Parang nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. "How can you say that? Parang ang dali lang sayo sabihin na--"

"Dahil madali lang naman talaga." pagputol ko sa sasabihin niya.

"W-what?" parang hindi makapaniwalang sabi niya.

"If you hate me, just go on and hate me. Hindi kita pipigilan, hindi ako gagawa ng paraan para gustuhin mo ako. Pero sana, bigyan niyo naman ako ng matinong dahilan kung bakit niyo ako inaayawan." nakatingin sa malayo na sabi ko. Hinahayaan ang mga luhang tumulo sa magkabilang pisngi ko.

"Give me one reasonable reason why you guys hate me. Kasi wala naman akong ginagawa sainyo. G-gusto ko lang naman na may tumanggap sa akin. 'Y-yon lang naman, eh. S-sana." dagdag ko ulit bago tumingala at tumingin sa kalangitan.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang dapat kong maramdaman. Kung dapat paba akong umiyak o masaktan, kasi pagod na ako. I've been fighting for my freedom for years now. I can't even count how many times did I failed.

I just want my freedom, acceptance and love. Is it really that hard? I'm just wishing for the things that I deserved. Pero bakit parang hirap na hirap ang mga taong ibigay sa akin 'yon?

Because I'm cursed? Because they all believe that I'll bring chaos? Living without the freedom to live cannot be called living at all. It was like I'm breathing without oxygen.

Hinahawakan nila ako sa leeg lahat. Bawal 'yan, bawal 'yon. Hindi dapat ganyan, hindi dapat gano'n. Dito kalang at hanggang doon. Bakit palaging may nagdidikta sa dapat kong gawin? My movements are limited because I'm the unwanted child.

Ok lang sana kung ibang tao lang ang may ayaw sa akin, sa tulad ko. Pero yung pati magulang ko na ang umaayaw sa gaya ko, kulang nalang pati pagkabuhay ko isisi ko sa sarili ko.

Yung kapanganakan ko na dapat ikinasasaya ng buong angkan ko, parang araw kung saan hinatulan sila ng lahat ng tao. Dahil wala pa man akong kaalam-alam sa mundo, disapointed na sa akin ang mga magulang ko.

"Divina.." sabi niya. "Why are you so kind?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Why do you always seek for the love they can't give you? Why do you always want others to love you if you can do it to yourself? Can't you love yourself?" tanong niya ulit sa akin.

"No one teach me how to love, Nicky. Now, how can I love myself when I don't even know what love is." and that leave her speechless.

Of all people, never in my wildest dream did I ever imagined that Nicky would be there when everything are falling apart. Of all people 'diba? Bakit yung taong hindi mo inaasahan pa yung nandyan sa tabi mo?

Pero sino ba ako para magreklamo? I don't have the rights to complain. Wala akong karapatan para kwestyunin ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko, no matter how I wanted to. Kasi lahat naman ng 'to nangyayari dahil may rason.

Tumayo siya at pinagpagan ang soot niyang jeans. Humarap siya sa akin at tinaasan ako ng kilay.

"Always remember this, Divina. You don't need others to fix every broken pieces of yourself to be whole again. You have yourself, you can use those broken pieces to make a masterpiece. You are the captain of you own ship. You are the writer of your own story. You don't need others to be okay, you just need to love yourself. See your worth, accept youself." she said as she looked directly in my eyes.

"It's not the people around you that can't accept you, it's you Divina. You can't accept the fact that you are the cursed child. Ayaw mong maniwala sa sinasabi nila pero wala ka namang ginagawa para mabukas ang mga mata nila. Only you can make them see your worth. Now, know your worth first and love yourself. After that, everything will fall in their right places." she said before she walked away.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang mas nakita ko kung bakit sa dami ng tao si Nicky pa ang nandito ngayon sa tabi ko. Parang mas lalo kong nalaman ang dahilan kung bakit ang hindi inaasahang tao pa ang kasama ko ngayon dito.

Because of all people. Nicky knows how to advice well. She speaks as if she understand, as if she knows what you're up to. Parang alam niya kung anong pinagdadaanan mo.

She will just weight the situation, your feelings. Let you cry in silent while she was there, silently sitting beside you. And when you are done, she'll speak up.

And every words will surely be stucked inside your mind. Then suddenly, everything will be clearer.

After all the pain I've felt today. After all the revelations and the truth, I just realized one thing.

I didn't love myself enough because I'm too busy loving others, pleasing them to accept me. To love me and to see my worth. When I can do it to myself too without the help of others.

I'm blinded because of the broken pieces of my heart. Thinking that if I'll met someone who can accept me, I'll finally be happy.

Pero hindi mo pwedeng ipabuo sa iba ang bagay na hindi naman sila ang sumira. Hindi nila mabubuo yung bagay na hindi naman nila alam kung paano sinira ng iba.