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- Rodrick Moore - - Compton, California -
"come on babe" i sighed sitting on the edge of me and Vanessa's bed as she turned in her sleep. "baby"
"leave me alone" she sighed getting comfortable again.
i'm really starting to worry about her..
she's been really lazy lately and she never gets up unless it's for the kids.. it seems like their her only happiness.
she doesn't eat as much.. it's sometimes makes her throw up because of how much her stomach hurts from needing food or water.
she has a lot of episodes.. she always wakes me up with her panic attacks from bad nightmares and flashbacks, she jumps at everything now.
she never gets ready like she used to.. ever since we came home from the hospital 3 weeks ago? she's been so tired and she's been so emotionless.
she can't concentrate anymore either. everytime shes talking about something, she completely gets thrown off by the littlest things. she gets a lot of head aches and migraines.
it feels like i'm loosing my baby.
even kenny can see the difference..
"please sit up" i sighed turning her over.
"roddy stop!" she groaned sitting up. "the fuck wrong with you!" she threw the covers off her angrily making her way into our bathroom.
and then there's that..
she's always irritated.
the littlest things set her off..
"baby" i walked into the bathroom as she stared at herself in the mirror. "i ain't mean to make you upset" i said wrapping my arms around her waist staring back at her through the mirror. "i'm just.. i'm worried about you"
"well don't be" she shook her head.
"Vanessa your my fiancé" he turned her to me. "but lately? it feels like ion even know you anymore, babe"
she stared up at me as i began to think about everything that's been happening.
lack of energy? feelings worthless? irritability? change in appetite? loss of interest in her favorite activities? lack of concentration?
she's going through depression.
it's so fucking clear.
and i've just been standing here like nothings happening.
my face softened as i pulled her into a hug rocking back at forth slowly.
"tell me what's going on" i said rubbing her back. "baby are you depressed?" i asked slowly.
she didn't answer me, she just began to cry into my chest.
proving my suspicion.
"you should've let me die!" she cried loudly pushing me off her. "after everything i've been through! you should've just let me go!" she shook her head running her hands up and down her face.
"i'll die before i let you die, Vanessa" i said walking back to her.
"stop!" she pushed me back. "just stop!" her sobs broke through her chest as she sat on the floor bringing her knees up to her chest.
"mommy?" i turned my head seeing kenny at the door.
"go back downstairs with mommom ight?" i sighed.
"but mommy-"
"I ain't gon tell you again!" i groaned making him sigh and walk away from the door heading out our room.
"So fucking worthless. maybe lawrence was right" she sniffled. "i have nothing to live for"
"are you fucking with me?" i said kneeling infront of her. "baby you got so much to live for. you got a whole future ahead of you and you got 2 beautiful kids that are counting on you and need you in their life" i lifted her chin. "don't say that bad shit about yourself"
"i just wanna die" she said barely above a whisper as her voice cracked.
hearing those words come out of her mouth..
it broke my heart into a million fucking pieces .
"everything happens to me. nothing ever goes right" she shook her head. "my past is shit and there's nothing i can do about it"
i sighed.
"your right" i sat down. "there ain't nun you can do" i said rubbing on her leg. "but you can make sure the future is everything you dreamed of"
"i can't even get out of bed anymore to satisfy you" she looked up at me.
"ion give a fuck about sex, Vanessa" i said sternly. "i want you to be okay. i want you to go get help" i grabbed her hand. "i can't rescue you from this depression. only you can" i wiped the tears that fell from her eyes. "what do you feel?"
her breathing hitched lightly as her voice shook.
"i feel numb ."
"okay um.." i sighed trying to keep myself from falling apart. i pulled her hand to me kissing over her ring. "i need you to get help" i folded my lips in my mouth as i felt tears fill my eyes. "because i know how bad this shit can get" my voice cracked as i looked back up at her.
my cousin.. she was my bestfriend.
she passed when i was about 15 years old..
she was in a deep depression state and she turned to drugs and alcohol to get rid of her sadness.
one day.. one day she just got up, went into her closet, pulled out her gun and did what she did.
i ain't even get to say goodbye..
it broke me so fucking much. i loved her like she was my own sister.
if Vanessa looses to depression i.. i don't know what i'll do.
"please" i begged as my tears rolled down my cheeks.
