𝐇𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥 - 𝐑𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐑𝐢𝐜𝐜𝐡 ♫

56.

- Vanessa Valor -
- Compton, California -

as i stared back at myself through the mirror in me and roddys bathroom.. i still felt nothing.

i didn't feel sad.. i didn't feel happy..

i sighed going into the closet pulling out one of the razors.

i looked around a little before sitting on the toilet after putting the seat down.

my hand shook as the blade got closer to my arm.

"Vanessa!" i jumped as roddy ran to me grabbing my arm taking the blade out of my hand. "are you seriously cutting right now?" he sighed kneeling down after setting the blade in the trash.

"i don't think i can be helped anymore" i shook my head. "even my therapist can't help"

"baby ima do whatever it takes to get you out of this depression, ight? but please.. just don't do this shit" he said as his face softened. "stand up for me" he stood up taking my hand. "take it all off" he pointed up and down my body as he turned on our jacuzzi's water.

"roddy i don't wanna have se-"

"we're not" he cut me off. "just do it" he said sliding his shorts and boxers down. 

once the tub was filled, roddy got in putting his arms on the sides looking up at me. i rubbed my arm as the cold air hit my bare body and my bruises began to make me insecure.

"come on" he grabbed my hand helping me into the tub. he sat me between his legs as i sighed at the feeling of the water. "you remember when we took kenny to Disney?" roddy asked as he ran his hands over my back, slowly massaging. "when he got cotton candy all over him"

i smiled a little remembering that day. 

"that was a fun day" i sighed playing with my fingers.

"come here" he pulled me back, laying my back against his chest as my head rested in the crook of his neck. "your my fucking world, Vanessa Evangeline Valor" he sighed as i looked up at him. "you changed my life"

"i just" i started. "roddy i love you so fucking much.." i grabbed his hand. "but when i tell you i feel numb" his face softened. "i literally feel nothing"

"baby you just smiled when we were talking about the Disneyland trip" he shook his head. "what's another day that you wish you could go back to"

"when Aaliyah was born" i sighed looking down.

"now look at her" he lifted my chin. "about to be 2 and looks just like her mama" he smiled lightly. "Vanessa i wanna help you get through this. i know he took everything from you.. but your safe now" he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "i ain't gon hurt you"

"i know" i frowned. "'but that can't fix it"

"Baby youn even cuddle wit me no more" he sighed. "you go all the way to your side of the bed and whenever i try to put my arm around you, you always end up pushing me away"

it's true.. i haven't really been too close with him lately..

he's been taking me to therapy but it's very hard to do this shit.

i just wanna give up.

"why am i still here" i sighed looking up at him feeling my eyes get watery.

"because god's got a plan for you" he wiped my tears. "wipe those tears, baby. it'll be ight"

"how you know.." i sniffled cuddling into him more.

"because you always bounce back. god didn't take you because your times not up" he rubbed my shoulder. "i need you to try and be better. if not for me and the kids.. then do it for you"

"i'm trying" i sighed cleaning my head on the crook of his neck. "i just feel like i don't belong"

"don't belong?" he furrowed his eyebrows. "baby i can't keep telling you the same shit over and over again, you do belong" he lifted my chin. "you belong with me and the kids" he sighed wiping my tears. "we're getting married soon, baby!" he pleaded. "we can get your favorite cake and dessert" he leaned his head on mine. "what's something you lookin' forward to?"

i sighed.

"you want me to be honest?"

"always" he caressed up and down my arm.

"having another baby" he smiled to himself. "i can see you smiling" i chuckled shaking my head.

he stopped and lifted his head looking down at me which started to make me a little nervous..

"what?"

"that was the first time i heard you laugh in almost 2 months" he smiled. "keep thinking positive baby" he leaned down kissing my cheek making stomach erupt with butterflies.

"roddy!" i gasped making him start to worry. "baby i'm starting to feel happy again!" i stood up making him smile.

"think of positive things baby" he stood up grabbing my hand. "what you want me to do to help you?"

"i wanna try" i said confidently. "i wanna try for another baby"

"shit uhm.. ness" he sighed shaking his head. "not with you in this state of mind" he looked back up at me.

"what? roddyyy!" i whined.

"you know how much of a danger that is? if your always stressed and you have a really bad mindset, it can cause a miscarriage" he explained. "baby you don't even get out of bed for dinner!" he said getting out the jacuzzi draining the water.

"that's not my fault!" i crossed my arms.

"i know" he said wrapping his towel around his waist. "but you needa beat this before we can take on another challenge"