Dark Tendencies (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Questions

*Possible trigger warning, mention of suicide*

The next few days were filled with more questions than answers.

Why is Cas working with Crowley? Why can't I tell the boys? How come I was so stupid to NOT pay attention to what they were talking about?

"Ugh" you groan out, moving off of the bed liqueur still in hand. You walk into the motel bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror. Your f/c tank top reveals many scars covering your upper arms and shoulders. They are just a taste of the others you have covering the rest of you. You look at yourself lost in thought. "Something doesn't feel right about this" you mutter under your breath.

You close your eyes as you proceed to take another sip, letting the smooth burning sensation fill your throat. You let out an audible sigh as your eyes flutter back open. You turn your attention back to the mirror as you notice a figure behind you.

You flip around taking a fighting stance, but realize it is only Cas.

"Geez, stop doing that" you say, glaring at the angel.

"My apologise y/n" He says moving out of the doorway to let you walk past. You feel his eyes on you as you go back to the mini bar and to fill up your glass again. "Any updates on reconnecting with the Winchesters?"

You let out a huff turning around to glare at him once again. "I am working on it" you sigh, deciding to sit down on the couch.

You watch as Cas hesitantly makes his way over to the side of the couch and you nod your approval as he sits next to you.

"y/n I am only doing this to stop the war in heaven." he states. "This is for the greater good.."

You cut him off. "Cas. Whatever ass-brained idea you have come up with. It can't be good"

You both sit there as he stares at you, you take another sip of your drink.

"Then why are you working for him?" he asks, looking deep into your eyes.

You sit in silence for a minute while you think through his question. Thousands of answers come to mind that you could give him, but you decide to be honest.

You run your hand through your hair as you turn to look at him "I don't really know." you start. "I have been doing this for a long time, and I don't even know anymore." You chuckle a little realizing how stupid you sound. You don't know whether the alcohol is getting to you or if you are just needing to talk, but you open up completely to him anyways. "Have you ever had something inside you telling you that you are not really you?"

"Do you hear these voices often y/n?" he asks completely concerned.

"No its not like that" you say, sighing . "I don't want to be me Cas. Hell I don't want to even be alive, but I am and I continue to keep going. Its like there is something inside consuming me, the real me, and the only way for me to retain myself is feeding it. Doing chores for Crowley feeds it." you end, getting a little bit upset by how pathetic you sound.

Cas just nods. "Your demon" he states.

You nod in agreement. "I know what I am doing is wrong, but lately I haven't even had time to care. But hear me out. I have been working with Crowley since I was 13 and I know one thing for sure, whatever you and Crowley have cooking up... It's not good"

Cas stares at you, a pain his eyes you hadn't noticed before.

"Have you collected the items?" He asks, completely changing the subject.

"I have my feelers out for them" You say setting the glass down. "Don't worry it won't be long. What is this for anyways?"

He ignores your question "I have sent the boys back in time to collect phoenix ashes which should theoretically kill Eve".