Dark Tendencies (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Bitter-Sweet Memories

*A/N: mentions of anxiety and depression, a brief elude of a potential suicide attempt*

The next few weeks were... difficult to say the least. You were dealing with your guilt, grief, shame, and sorrow, while ultimately learning how to forgive yourself which felt impossible. The first few days were spent in the panic room. They would bring in food to try and get you to eat, but it wasn't working well until Sam gave you a stern talking too and ultimately convinced you that you indeed needed food. Eventually, they were able to coax you out of the panic room. It scared you but you tried to hide it. 

After the first few hours, Dean pulled you aside and told you that you could go back inside if you wanted and that he would go with you, but you knew this had to happen eventually so you stuck with it, giving him a strained smile to which he responded with a cheeky smirk and a kiss saying "that's my girl". Moments like this with him were always your favorite. It showed how deep your connection with your green-eyed hunter really was, and just how much he truly cared for you. It gave you butterflies that didn't sit right with your current mental state. You drifted in and out of loving spending time with Dean and hating yourself for enjoying it because you didn't deserve happiness. You would have breakdowns often and hope for your emotions and memories to consume you, but Dean stayed through it all. Refusing to leave your side. You didn't know how to thank him for all of the emotional support he was giving but he gave you a couple of ideas that made you giggle.

Dean stayed with you as your nightmares became worse, sending you into full-blown panic attacks in the middle of the night. He would pull you close and tell you to take deep breaths or try and match your own breathing with his. He would rub your arm or back or basically anywhere available to him and when you started to calm down he would slowly place warm kisses around your face and brush away your tears with his hand. He listened to you as you screamed at yourself and cried with you as you expressed your sorrow.

Sam, Garth, and Dean never left you alone, and though you acted like it was unnecessary you were beyond grateful. Dean would only leave for supplies while Sam and Garth were there with you, but other than that Dean was constantly by your side. He even passed up going on hunts with Sam and Garth which is saying something.

The boys tried to keep you away from the internet, but the one time you found yourself alone as Dean was going to make your lunch and Sam and Garth were out on a hunt you felt obligated to check the news through Garth's laptop that he was lending Dean. You couldn't help looking up what eventually happened to the town, and by the time Dean got back with your lunches, he found you in a mess of tears and self-hatred. Dean eventually was able to calm you down before you did something you would regret and decided you needed to go on a walk. He basically pulled you down the street, and at one point had to carry you, but once you made it to the destination it was like all of your emotions were flooded by a new sensation of beauty and awe. There was a little stream that Dean found while walking home with some coffee one morning and automatically knew that you would love it. There were different varieties of plant life and little frogs and he knew that it would soon become your favorite spot. From that day on, every day and even sometimes when the nightmares were bad, you and Dean would walk to the stream and watch the simplistic beauty unravel. You would close your eyes and listen to the water flow, and hear the little chirping of crickets or frogs. Taking deep breaths you would calm down and even offer a genuine smile at the fact that there was still some form of good in the world. You would smell the oak wood, and the earthy freshness that only comes from running water, and more than anything you could still smell the whisky, leather, and slight cinnamon of Dean's scent as he sat next to you, watching you intently.

"Why are you so good to me? After everything?" you asked him. He shrugged and looked at his hands for a moment before turning his sparkling eyes back to you.