Sour or Sweet

forty-one

Za'Keria L. Jones

Houston, Texas
2021

It has been a little over a month since I've gave birth. I was released exactly three days after but my baby had to stay. Even though I was almost full term, Zaire was still consider a preemie, so they kept him for a little while to be sure. Instead of going back to my house in Hempstead I came home, so my mama can show me some stuff. Im heading home soon though because school starts in a couple weeks. I'm already dreading it only because of my major. Computer Science is not for the weak. I won't be attending in class sessions until Zai is about five to six months though. Kai and I decided to rotate. The days she doesn't have to go to campus, she'll have Zai and I'll be on campus. I need to talk to Bri though because I think I want to graduate early. That way I can focus on raising my baby and my business.

It was around 5 in the morning and I was in the kitchen fixing both Zaire's and Sorayá's bottle. I was already downstairs fixing Zai's but I heard Sorayá on the baby monitor. So I just took the initiative to make hers as well. I shook both of them up and placed them in the bottle warmer for about fifty seconds. The timer beeped and I grabbed both bottles making my way up stairs.

This mommy thing is not so bad, I have my days but I know I have to push through. I stopped in SoSo's room, placed the bottles on the side table and walked into my room. I threw a burping blanket over my shoulder and picked up my baby. I smiled and shook my head. I grabbed his pacifier and walked out.

I don't know how I did it but I did it. I had both SoSo and Zai in my arms feeding them. SoSo was little bigger than Zaire but I had it. I was sitting in the rocking chair that was placed by So's crib. Her little greedy butt finished first. I positioned Zai on my lap and laid SoSo on my shoulder so I could burp her. I patted her back a few times before I heard her let out a loud burp.

"Woah mama." I laughed and she gave me a gummy grin. I pushed her pacifier in her mouth—laying her in my arm.

"Keria!" I shook my head because that was nobody other than my daddy yelling. I grabbed the baby monitor the best way I could and pressed the mic button.

"I'm in SoSo's room." I placed the monitor back and began slowly rocking back and forth in the chair. I heard foot steps and looked up seeing my daddy walking in the room. He stretched and scratched his stomach. He made his way to the bathroom I'm assuming to wash his hands. He returned a min later and grabbed Zai for my lap.

"You knew he was woke?"

I shook my head as my daddy grabbed his bottle. "No and you know he's quiet so, you'll never know."

"Lay her down and go back to sleep. I got lil man." I nodded my head and stood up. I laid SoSo down in her crib and pulled the blanket up halfway. I walked out the room and made my way down the hall to mine. My daddy talking about go back to sleep when I haven't slept in a month. I've been having nightmares and I don't think my parents know. I try not to sleep longer than a hour.

When I do sleep longer than a hour, I wake up breathing hard—drowned in my sweat. It's a different nightmare every time. One minute I got the gun and then the next Jaylen has the gun turned on me. He shoots me and then turns the gun on hisself like the coward he is. As the days go by, I wonder what went wrong? Like how did we end up here? I shook my head and walked into my bathroom. I plugged the tub and the turned the hot water on. Going under the cabinet, I grabbed the bag of calm and serenity epson salt—pouring a half of cup in the tub.