Survive, if you can // John Murphy

//14// Alone

WARNINGS: violence, withdrawal, addiction.

The next day is hard. Sometimes it's hot, others it's freezing. When the cravings are worse, I pull on my cuffs until my wrists bleed. Marcus visits me a total of twice. Both times are when I'm in a bad mood. I insulted him repeatedly the first time while begging for alcohol. The second time, I started bawling as an attempt to get him to release me. When he was close enough, I kicked him in the stomach. He stopped visiting after that. Today, Abby is walking inside. I know it's her because she reminds me of Clarke.

"Are they back yet?" I ask as she cleans up my wrists.

"No," she responds, shaking her head.

"They're smart. I'm sure they're fine," I say, nodding.

"I hope you're right," she says, leaving.

The next hour is the worst so far. I'm panicky, jittery. It's also burning hot in here. In an attempted escape, I end up bleeding from the wrists again. I can't help this. I need it. No matter how hard I try, I depend on it. I just want a sip. No. A sip is the start and before you know it I'm naked in a bathtub and my wrists are slit. I have to tell myself that sometimes. Right now, I'm not really believing it.

By the time night rolls around, I'm exhausted. My hands are hanging limp by my head and my eyes are shut. I still feel this dull ache but it's not as deep as before. I can't fight it since I'm so weak but it isn't strong. I try to hang on to my mental state right now. That's when the door opens.

My eyes watch as light pours into my little cell. Someone is walking in. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust but I see Clarke. Clarke. She's here. Or maybe she isn't. Am I only imagining this? Maybe I want it so bad that my brain has made it up.

"Clarke?" I say quietly, squinting.

She rushes to kneel in front of me. "Are you alright?"

"Are you really here? You seem real enough," I say quietly, examining her face.

"Camari, let's get these off," she says, reaching for my cuffs.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "No, I need to stay here until they stop. They'll stop soon, I'm sure."

"What are you talking about?" she asks, confused.

Tears are falling down my cheeks. "I'm so tired, Clarke. I'm so tired. Just let me go."

"What?"

"It's so exhausting. How much longer before this is over?" I ask, letting myself lose control.

"You'll be better soon, I promise," she says, hand cupping my cheek.

I look behind her but find no one. "Where are John and Bellamy and Finn?"

"They're...not back yet," she says, shaking her head.

"I need him, Clarke. Please, find him. I can't do this alone," I say, head swinging with the little energy I have left.

"You're not alone. You have me here. What can I do?" she asks.

What can she do? Obviously, she's not going to rid me of my disease. She can help some other way, can't she? Is there anything I need besides alcohol? What do I need?

"Water," I say, nodding.

She nods too, leaving the room for a minute before returning with a bottle in her hand. She kneels in front of me again as I try to grab the bottle from her hands. It's difficult with my hands bound. She stops me, pouring the water into my mouth herself.

I wipe my mouth. "Thank you, Clarke."

"You're welcome," she says, nodding and pouring more water down my throat.

In the morning, I'm stronger. The cravings have halted. I know they'll return soon but for now, they've stopped. Clarke brought the water with her because I told her there were so many bad things I could do with a water bottle if I felt like it. She left after maybe twenty minutes. She looked like she needed the sleep so I told her to go.

The door is opening. Bellamy is walking inside.

"Bell," I say, letting out a breath.

He kneels in front of me, wrapping me in his arms. I sigh, burying my face in his shoulder. When I look up, I see Octavia in the doorway. She's looking at me with an air of absolute fear.

I let myself laugh. "You're not gonna give me a hug?"

She does and afterward, sits beside me. Raven is standing in the doorway with her arms crossed over her stomach. She's walking with crutches. Surgery wasn't successful.

"I'm so sorry," I say quietly.

"It's okay," she says, leaning against the doorframe.

"Where are John and Finn?" I ask, turning to Bellamy.

He hesitates for a second. "They're still looking for Clarke."

"Please, go find them," I say, sighing.

"We will but the fence around this place has been electrified and the only way out is the gate," Raven says.

"Then turn the fence off. You're smart," I say, shrugging.

"Already on it," she says, nodding.

I nod too. "Good. I need him."

It's night again. They left me soon after they visited. I'm glad because it means they're going to find them. I'm also glad because a craving comes along soon after, continuing through the afternoon and into the night. This time, it's freezing in here. My body shivers violently as I pull against my restraints. I'm desperate now. I need alcohol now or I'm going to freeze to death in here.

The door is opening.

Abby walks through it and I pull myself toward her. "Please. I need it-"

"Where's my daughter?" she asks quickly.

"I know. I can tell you if you get me some alcohol. Please. I'll tell you," I say, shaking my head.

She looks like she's contemplating it but then she shakes her head. She walks back out the door and I yell at her to come back. I continue my shouting even after the door has closed. Tears are streaming from my eyes and I'm pulling on my cuffs. I don't know if I pass out from exhaustion or pain.

When I wake, I'm shooting up. My sore wrists pull on the cuffs and I wince at the feeling. I rest my head against my hands, reviewing my current mental state. There isn't any ache nor a feeling that it'll come. I can always hope that the cravings are over but I know that's a foolish thought. They'll be back soon. I just have to wait them out. I'm strong enough for this. I just have to remember that a sip is the start and before you know it I'm naked in a bathtub and my wrists are slit.

"Cam?"

I look to the corner of my room, finding a figure in the darkness. "John?"

He stands, walking into the light and moving to sit next to me. "Hey, sweetheart."

I rest my head on his shoulder. "I'm glad you're back."

"Clarke said that you needed me," he says.

"I don't remember saying those words exactly," I say, making him breathe a laugh.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I am now. Sometimes it's worse. But I feel better now."

"Because of me?"

"Maybe."

There's a pause.

"Do you want some water?"

"No. Just sit here with me."

"Okay, sweetheart."

"Goodnight, John."

"Goodnight, toy."

I breathe a laugh.

WORD COUNT: 1235

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