Survive, if you can // John Murphy

//31// Ai Hod Yu In

WARNINGS: swearing, sexual tension.

Six years later...

"Well, maybe there's a God above. But all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. And it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah," I sing, shutting my eyes.

"A bit depressing, isn't it?"

My fingers stop playing as I turn in my seat to find John in the doorway. He's grinning and walking closer. I smile back, turning in my seat to face forward and playing the basic chords on my keyboard. It's sitting against the far wall of our room in front of the window.

"I think it's beautiful," I say.

His arms come to rest along my collarbone, barring my chest as he kisses my temple. "I never said that it wasn't beautiful. The words are just a little bleak for my taste."

"I think it's a story about how he learned from his heartbreak and knew then never to make the same mistakes he did before," I say, nodding.

He moves the hair from my neck, kissing down the side and toward my shoulder. "I think...you're reading into it."

"Come on," I warn quietly, turning my head a bit.

"You come on," he counters, hands trailing down from my shoulders to my waist.

The stool I'm sitting on doesn't have a back so he can get as close as he wants. I don't particularly mind but I have a lot in my head right now. His fingers moving over my hips help distract me but only for a second. I notice his lips becoming a little rougher, pushing my head to the side as he goes for the button of my jeans.

"Dinner," I say breathily, reaching over my shoulder to tangle my fingers in his hair.

"What was that?" he asks, grabbing my waist roughly to spin me on my seat.

Now I'm facing him. He's looking into my eyes with a grin on his face. He always gets that look when he wants me. I remember it well. The past three years have been full of them. So, I bite my lip and look at the wall.

"John-"

"Please don't finish that thought," he says, frowning now and shaking his head.

"We have to go to dinner," I say as he straightens up and steps away from me.

"Or we could just stay here," he says, shrugging.

"Or we could go see our friends-"

"Some friends," he says, scowling at the wall. "My ex, your exes, and two happy couples. What amazing company-"

"John, they don't see you-"

"Because I don't want to be seen-"

"You're gonna starve-"

"Please," he scoffs. "You always bring me back food."

"Yeah?" I say, standing and balling my hands into fists. "Well, not tonight. You'll go to bed hungry." I glance down for a second. "In both departments."

Then I walk past him and to the door. His hands are at my arms. They aren't rough. He's gentle as he pulls me back into him. His mouth trails lightly over my cheek and then my jawline. I know this. He doesn't want me to leave while I'm still mad at him. He knows my feelings will fester and grow more defined. He wants to make sure that I won't resent him for this. I appreciate his affection.

"Ai hod yu in," he says quietly.

He doesn't say it often but I know that he loves me. It's rare for this to happen. He doesn't like admitting his feelings aloud unless we're completely alone or I'm guilting him. I know I need to appreciate this. I also know that he's using the simple phrase to change my mind about my declaration of abstinence tonight. I honestly couldn't care less.