Affection | Jenlisa

True Love (2)

"True love is finding your soulmate"

"I do," I forced myself to speak up, my legs weak as I smiled at the guy in front of me.

My stomach twisted as I glanced into the crowd, one specific person catching my eye. My best friend, Lisa Manoban, was sitting in the front row, beaming up at me with an excited, proud expression.

As the priest began to speak, I turned back to the guy in front of me, bile rising in my throat. It's not that I didn't find him handsome, he really was, but I couldn't stand the idea of marrying him. My heart grew heavy at the thought of living the rest of my life with someone I didn't truly love.

He was handsome. It's just that, even as I looked at him stunning face, I could only see the life of longing that would come with the ring I knew I would have to take. Even if I had wanted to, it would be too late to back out, such a move only dishonoring my family and destroying the happiness of the guy in front of me who I had learned to care for even if not in a way that would prompt me to marry him.

Even if I did back out of the marriage, the person I truly wanted to marry would never take me. One glance into the audience had assured me that, Lisa's face gleaming with pride and happiness at my marriage. She had always been a happy person, somehow finding a way to smile no matter the situation. I beamed at the memories of my times with Lisa, and it was a real smile. Filled with joy, remembrance, and just a trace of longing. Then I stepped back into reality and the expression turned into a plastic, joyless one I had learned to create with much difficulty over time.

I would never love him. The space in my heart was already taken, and by the most worthy person I knew. The only flaw I could name that belonged to Lisa Manoban was that she didn't love me back.

I almost didn't kiss him. As he smiled and leaned forward, I almost stepped away. I almost ran, and maybe the rest of my life would have been better for it. Maybe I would have been able to face Lisa, to tell her the love I felt for her I had known so long. But my future had already been decided, and so I closed my eyes, accepting the cards I had been dealt.

His lips were soft, but felt more wrong than I could explain. My heart ached as we kissed, and I could only think of Lisa, and what her lips would have felt like.

After a moment, the kiss was over, and the relief of belonging to myself once more washed over me. The relief was short-lived as the crowd erupted into clapping, the first, and loudest of which being Lisa, who always managed to catch my eye, even if there were hundreds of other people I could be looking at.

Our locked eyes, and for a moment, I though I saw sadness in Lisa's expression. But I had come to know that people see what they want to see, and when I looked again, there was only the fiery joy of a proud best friend in her face. My eyes glistened with the pain I felt, but the smile remained, etched permanently into my features.

I looked back at my husband, searching his eyes for any sort of feeling I could muster from myself, but there was none. I wasn't in love with him, and love isn't something you can fake. But I would do my damn best, even if it killed me.

He pulled me back down the isle, walked happily through the crowd. As always, I followed him, bound forever as an obedient servant.

-

"Are you okay?" I asked, not realizing what I was saying. I had been drawn to Lisa at the end of the wedding, and hadn't even realized I had approached her until I heard myself speaking. Lisa looked up from where I had been staring, lost in thought as I leaned against the balcony railing. The city was lain out in front of us, bustling with the lives of other people, none of which would ever matter to me like the girl I now stood in front of, not even my husband.

Lisa stood up, "I'm just happy for you." The words caused me to grimace inside, but my expression remained obedient, smiling at the thoughtfulness of my friend. "The wedding turned out amazing."

My response wasn't what I wanted to say. 'I was terrible,' I screamed in my head. 'I should never have gotten myself into this mess.' But the words stuck in my throat, and the response I managed to spit out was thickly disappointing. "I couldn't have done it without you." I threw my arm around Lisa's shoulders for effect, wanting to yell out in frustration as the fire in my chest re-lit with our contact. "When you find that special somebody, I'll be right there to do the same for you," but I knew I would never be able to sit through Lisa's wedding if she ever had one; I didn't have the strength.

"Hopefully that's sooner rather than later," Lisa replied. The muscles in my jaw tightened, and I wondered if there was something Lisa wasn't telling me.

"Is there someone you like?" My eyes was filled with the flame of jealousy as I thought of Lisa loving someone else, and for a terrifying moment as our locked eyes, I wondered if Lisa could detect the falseness of my curiosity, or my mock joyfulness.

"I guess there is someone..." Lisa trailed off, but I wouldn't have heard the rest anyway. My breath emptied from my lungs as I saw red, pain shooting through my chest. I could only stand there in shock as she continued saying, "I've liked her for a while, but I can't tell her."

"Why not?" My eyebrows were furrowed in rage, my heart pounding in defiance at the thought of having to go through the pain of watching her fall for someone else.

"It's complicated." She refused to say anything else, and under no circumstances would I have wanted to know any more. I almost sighed in relief as she motioned for her to walk away from the balcony, saying in her deep, soothing voice, "Let's get back to the wedding."

"It's practically over, there's just a bit of dancing," I said, not wanting to leave her. I feared the distance would build between us as our lives took separate paths, but there was no part of the conversation I was willing to pursue, so I agreed. "I should probably get back now so I can say goodbye to everyone."

I sighed, shooting Lisa one last smile-a truthful, heartfelt one-accompanied by a listless wave. "You'll have to tell me about this person some other time," I spoke through clenched teeth.

She nodded, and I let myself look over her features one last time. I took in every familiar detail knowing that, although it wouldn't be the face I went to sleep pressed against or woke up to every morning, it would be the one I imaged during those times for the rest of my life.

"Thank you so much for this, I really couldn't have done it without you," I addressed her one last time, sincerity filling my words. I really would never have made it here without her, and I could thank her for everything that had ever gone right in my life, even if I was also the main cause of all regret that plagued on me.

"Anytime," the sweet voice filled my ears for what I knew would be the last time, or at least the last time it belonged to someone I truly knew. The next time we met, the two of us would be strangers, sharing only the memory of our youth, and the ghost of our past happiness.

It was my last chance, and I turned my back to it. I would regret this moment for the rest of my life, but I wasn't brave enough to turn back, to take back the space I had put between us.

I had lost Lisa, the one person who cared for me, the once person I cared for. I had lost everything. So, I kept walking, hoping that every step would push back the memories of my life, which was now over in every way. And I never looked back.

"in your best friend."

- End. -