Affection | Jenlisa

Can't Keep Lying (1)

It was happening again. Jennie was absent. Well, not completely. Jennie was there, as she always was in the late afternoon, sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. But I could see it in her glossy eyes, see it in the way her fork mindlessly pushed her food around the porcelain plate, she was absent. Her mind was elsewhere whilst her still body sat in the seat of kitchen. This had become our normal. The chatter and laughter the two of us shared before, replaced by an unsteady silence ever since she began her new acting role. I cleared my throat, her eyes finally showing some sign of life as she glanced up at me.

"How was the filming today?" I asked, hoping I sounded more uplifting than I felt.

"It was great!" She also smiled back at me, a taut, fake smile that I'd been receiving more and more lately. I was becoming increasingly aware of Jennie's changes in behavior, that fake happiness had began to forge on her face often. Normally, she could go on for hours. She would tell me about her day, she'd tell me what she'd done and what she was up to. She'd always talk in a very animated and vivid way, fueled with enthusiasm and excitement. Then she'd lovingly question me about my day, I'd go watch a movie or go for a walk together, and then curl up to sleep. That had been my routine. But Jennie didn't continue the conversation further, I knew that after she was done eating she'd go shower and fall asleep before I could say anything. She no longer made jokes, or kept me up teasingly poking at my sides and chatting. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd heard her genuinely laugh.

"Jen." I said. I'm done letting her put on this little act, I needed to know what was wrong. "Talk to me."

She didn't look up. Jennie's eyebrows knit together, a concerned look covering her face as she set her fork down.

"You know that I would never want to hurt you, right?" She asked. I nodded, even though she was still not looking at me. ".. And I realize, that as much as I would hate to, I'm going to. Because there is no way I can go about this, that will not hurt you. There's no good way to let you know this."

I pushed my plate away from me, my heart was pounding. I'm afraid now, everything suddenly seemed at stake. I was running over the memories in my head, wondering if I'd ever done anything wrong, if I had anything to do with what she was about to say. Jennie finally looked at me, I nodded at her to go on.

"As you know, I've gotten along with the crew on the film I'm working on. There's a lot of people on it. The director is talented and kind to us, the cast members are amazing and great to work with. There's Yoo-Jung, Bo-Ah and.. Oh, I did tell you about Jong-In, didn't I?" She asked, the tone of her voice became more nervous at the mention of him. I did the only thing I'd been able to do, nod. This was where it was getting difficult, Jennie was visibly hesitating to speak again as she reached out and held onto my hand. I wanted to pull away from her, but something told me this might be the last time I got the chance. So I gripped onto her hand and listened. "Well, Kai. He's a love interest of my character, you know that. We were both understanding of it, it's only a role and it's part of the job. We did not hang out afterwards, he knows I'm with you. We kept it all professional. One day we went out to celebrate the shoot going well, and we spoke. After that, we kept in touch. Then we started hanging out together on set.. And off set. I've realized over time, that maybe, well.." Jennie was not one to stammer over her words, but she couldn't help it. "I've realized that-"

"It's not just part of the role." I whispered, almost afraid to say it. In the short silence that followed, I wanted Jennie to laugh and shake her head and tell me that I was wrong. Unfortunately that's not what she did. Instead she just bit her lip and looked away.

"I think I fell in love with him."

Everything was gone for a second, and when I finally came to my senses I felt the warmth in my limbs and realized that my hand was still in hers. I yanked my hand away, the chair legs forcefully skidding on the ground as I came to a stand up. Jennie jumped in surprise, she was also rising to her feet. There was finally emotion back on her face, fear and confusion.

"I love you, Lisa." Jennie assured me, but it was of no comfort.

"No, no you don't. Maybe you did, but you know you don't anymore. That's what you're trying to tell me, right?" I choked.

".. I just can't stay with you anymore."

"So you told him you'd leave me? So he's waiting for you to come back, single? I was just the obstacle in your way?" I spat. The silence from her proved that I was correct yet again. Why couldn't I just be wrong? She looked composed, serious, maybe a little hurt but not anything compared to how I was feeling. Her empty hand was back at her side now, her eyes searching me for understanding.

"Then I guess he gets what he wants. I want you-" I paused as my voice cracked, taking a breath before trying again. "I want you, to grab your stuff, and get out of my house."

Jennie's eyes widened in shock. She knew that it would resort to this eventually, but hearing it is something different. She moved towards me, trying to grab onto my arm and mumbling my name softly. But I pushed her away. "No! I'm going to go outside, and go for a walk. By the time I get back, you better be the hell out of my house!" I stormed past her, my throat was drowning with the tears I was swallowing back. I threw the front door open, stomping down the stairs and walking down the sidewalk. The sky was turning dark with night time, the wind had also began to pick up. My lungs filled up with chilling air everytime I sobbed, the cold was nipping at the tears on my cheeks turning them into trails on my red skin. But I refused to return. It's a surreal feeling. Heart break is in every movie, every book, every song. People all over the world who pour out their feelings of pain, and I can sympathise with them, but it's completely different when it's me. To realize that this person that brings me so much joy, who accompanies me everywhere and makes me who I am , is going to be gone. I don't get to wake up to her anymore, I don't get to hold her hand, I don't get to kiss her. I do not get Jennie Kim anymore, and there is no one in the world like her that can replace the memory she's left. The worst part of it all, is knowing that someone else will. She is someone else's joy now, leaving me wondering if perhaps I just wasn't good enough to make her stay.

I was walking and shivering for so long now, I couldn't feel my toes. I finally decided to make it back before it got any colder or darker than it already was. As my house came into view, I stopped when I realized that Jennie's car was gone. I stared wide eyed at the driveway, slowly piecing together what had happened again. And then I started running, my shoes pounding the cement as I sprinted down the road and to my front door, throwing it open. I started to take big unsteady breaths as I looked around, her shoes at the door were gone, her papers on the coffee table were gone. I ran up the stairs, down the hallway and into our shared room hurrying to the closet. I flung the large doors open so fast they collided loudly with the wall but I didn't care, my eyes scanning the small room. The clothes she had hanging up were gone, her sandals were gone.. Jennie was gone. I thought I'd already cried it all out, but then there were more tears pouring down my cheeks. I stumbled back, slumping down besides the bed and bawling my eyes out. So that was it. I'd told her to leave, and she had. I'd held her hand one last time, and now I wouldn't ever again. My cries were muffled by my knees as I pulled them up to my chest, clutching onto my jeans.

"Come back."