love you always

welcome home

When we had finally managed to put the car seat in the back, we climbed into the car, and left the hospital. Cristina wasn't busy so she helped us into the car and waved goodbye as we drove off. Dereks mum was supposed to be staying with us for a few weeks since we had a whole new life to adjust too, but her flight from New York was cancelled, so she told us to call her whenever we needed, and that she would visit when we had settled in. I was terrified. Not only was Carolyn not going to be helping us, but Derek was going back to work 2 weeks before i was. We would have 2 weeks at home together, before he went back to the hospital, and left me to look after a baby all by myself.

"You okay?" he asked me, placing his hand on my leg, "Derek when you back to work it's just going to be me and Ella" he looked puzzled "i know Mer?" it had all just hit me, i had a child that i would have to be a mum too all day, my mum was terrible, what if i was a crappy mum too. The hormones got the better of me as my eyes filled with tears. I loved Ella more than anything but i was petrified. What if she grew up to hate me? "Mer why are you crying what's wrong?" Derek asked panicky "i just want to be better than my mum was and i'm scared that i'm going to damage her, or make her unhappy" We pulled into the drive way and he stopped the car, leant over and hugged me. He looked deep into my eyes "Meredith i know your scared, that's normal, i promise you, you're going to be a great mum, she will love you" I wiped my eyes and smiled at him.

We got out of the car, Derek took the bags inside, as i took the car seat out, bringing Ella inside our house for the first time. I put the car seat down by the door, carefully unbuckling her as she fussed, as soon as i picked her up she went back to sleep. Derek smiled and helped me take her upstairs. "Ella this is your room, but your not going to sleep in here until your older". I brought her into our bedroom, where her crib was, right by our bed. "Shall i put her in? i don't want to let go of her i'll miss her too much" i kissed her face. "Meredith just try putting her down" Derek chuckled. I gently laid her down, she stretched out her tiny arms and continued to sleep. I threw my arms in the air like i had won an award. "She stayed asleep" I wrapped my arms around Dereks neck. He hugged me tightly, kissing the side of my face. We were both hungry, but i didn't want to leave her anywhere i wasn't, so we sat on the bed, watching her as she slept. I rested my head on Dereks shoulder, "Do you want lunch?" he asked "lunch sounds good, i'm starving, but i don't want to leave her. He smiled at me "What do you want, i'll bring it upstairs and we can eat in bed". "I want pot noodles" i said "Mer you should eat something more nutritious, you just had a baby" he sounded concerned "Fine pot noodles and then we'll have salad for dinner" he rolled his eyes, he went downstairs to make lunch, i was left all by myslef in a room with her.

"Hi Ella, i'm your mummy, you probably can't understand me but that's okay" I giggled "i promise i'm going to look after you, no matter what, i only care that your happy and healthy" my heart melted, she was probably stretching her face but it made her look like she was smiling. She cried for a minute before i changed her diper, but once i was done she stopped, she wasn't asleep she just stared at me. I put her head on my chest and bounced her, she smelled just like newborn babies do, it was comforting.

Derek came upstairs holding pot noodles and he smiled at me, i was sat in bed, holding Ella, she was holding my finger. He sat next to us, gently not to make her upset. "I can't believe we have a daughter" he said "I know, i love her so much" i said in my baby voice, "You hold her" i gently passed her to Derek, he smiled down at her, full of love and pride. I began eating the noodles, they tasted amazing, probably hat because i was starving. "I was just telling her we would love her no matter what" i said, my mouth full of noodles. "Of course we will" he didn't take his eyes of of her. "We should make rules" i stated "She's a newborn, i don't think she knows how to follow rules quite yet" i giggled "not for her silly, for us" he looked confused "what kind of rules?" now that i said it i realised it sounded vaguely dirty "like no swearing in front of her" he looked like he understood now "okay sure, no swearing when she's around" i nodded "we should tell her she's beautiful at least once a day, so she's never insecure" he looked down at her, stroking the side of her face. "Meredith, you keep doubting yourself as a mum, but the things you keep saying about her makes me know she has the best mum in the world". My vision went blurry as my eyes filled with tears, for about the 5th time today, "i love you, and i love you" i said pointing at them both, "can you imagine 30 years from now well be sitting at her wedding, or if she has kids, we could be looking after them" he smiled.

A few hours after we had had lunch, i fed, changed and burped Ella, before putting her down to sleep. It was about 9pm and i was so ready to go to sleep too. I threw on some shorts and an oversized shirt, before climbing into bed. Derek was already lying down, looking through the pictures from the hospital on his phone. There was a video, a few minutes after Ella was delivered, it was only about 4 seconds long, and it was probably meant to be a photo, i didn't care, i loved it. I was crying and she was also whaling, "Derek i love that video please keep it". "Really? i didn't even mean to take it" i nodded "it's perfect, and it's a moment i never ever want to forget". He put his phone down, snuggled next to me and we bit fell asleep minutes later.