love you always

empty

tw for this chapter.

It woke up in the night feeling
weird, i felt weak and my stomach hurt, but i knew pregnancy brought it's symptoms, this just felt different from my pregnancy with Ella.

After i had finally gone back to sleep i woke up to an empty bed, Derek had left for work, and i was off for one more day. I brought Ella downstairs and had breakfast. I decided to get laundry and washing up done, Derek did most of the laundry, but having a baby meant spit up on most of her clothes, so i got started. Suddenly i had a shooting pain down my stomach, it was like a strong period cramp.

"Hi" i phoned Derek, to talk to him "Mer why are you calling are you okay?" he asked worried "i'm bleeding" i said as tears streamed down my cheeks. "I'm coming home, i'll bring you to the hospital, don't panic i'll see you in a minute" he hung up the phone. I tried to stay quiet so i didn't wake Ella up, but the cramping got worse and worse.

"Okay mer i'll put her in the car i'll be one second okay" Derek said as he burst into the room, "okay come on let's go, tell me how your feeling" he asked as he helped me into the passenger seat, ignoring the blood spreading between my thighs. Once we had gotten to the hospital, Derek wheeled me into the ER, while they did an ultrasound.

I felt nothing, empty, i couldn't hear anything. I snapped back into reality when i heard Carina say "meredith i'm so sorry i can't find a heartbeat, you're having a miscarriage, which as you know considering your circumstances, was unfortunately not uncommon, you need a D&C" she put away the ultrasound machine. "You were only 6 weeks, again, i'm so sorry" she said as she left the room. Derek held my hand tightly, trying his best not to look upset, "Derek you're allowed to show emotion, i know you really wanted this, i did too, i just didn't realise how much" i looked up at him sadly "meredith i love you, okay, this happens, we knew it could" he reassured me "last night, something felt off, if i had done something about it, maybe we could have avoided this" i said, wiping my tear stained cheeks. "Meredith this is not your fault, i love you, and we're going to be okay" he kissed me softly.

The procedure was quick and fairly painless, physically that was. Mentally, i couldn't stop thinking that this could have been my child, one we would pick out names for, Ella's first sibling, i honestly didn't know why i hadn't expected this, i got lucky when i had Ella, by some miracle the pregnancy stuck. This time we weren't so lucky.

A few days after, i was sat at home, nervous to go back to work, but ready, i needed a distraction, bossing around my interns and scrubbing in on cool surgeries was perfect.

hi yes this was short, and very sad. There was a tw because i know it is a very upsetting topic. i'm sorry for all the sadness, i promise they'll all be happy again <3