love you always

birthday gift

I woke up feeling like crap. I was nauseous and tired, i barley slept the previous night.

I sat against Derek on the cold bathroom floor, after throwing up for 20 minutes. "Do you want to go back to bed?" he asked, i nodded and stood up carefully.

"Happy birthday" he smiled, brushing the hair out of my face when i woke up for the second time that day. "What?" i groaned, "it's your birthday" he reminded me. I sat up abruptly, checking my calendar. He was right, it was my birthday.

"You didn't remember your own birthday?" he asked jokingly, "i've had so much going on...it must have just slipped out of my mind" i pulled the duvet over me. "You don't want to get up?" he asked, "no" i whispered, feeling myself fall asleep again.

"Wake up, we have presents!" Derek spoke loudly as he entered the room, ella clapping her hands. I smiled and brought her closer to me, she immediately got herself comfortable, "do you feel better" he sat next to me. "Much i smiled.

We spent the morning in bed, ella opened most of the gifts, she enjoyed it much more than i did, "okay last one" he said leaving the room. I looked at ella confused, she just babbled at me.

Derek walked in a few seconds later with a cardboard box. "Here" he placed it on the bed, "what is it?" i looked at him, "open it" he urged, i opened the flaps on the top and look inside.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd" i gasped in shock. "Well what do you think?" he asked. I started down at the puppy in the box who was trying to jump out, "hi" i picked it up and pulled it to my chest. "Are you a he or a she?" i questioned, "he's a boy" Derek told me.

"Mama puppy" ella reached out to touch him, "yes, be gentle" i let her stroke him. "Derek Shepherd you are in so much trouble" i giggled, "happy birthday" he kissed me.

Ella played with the puppy all morning. The small creature had taken a liking to her.

"Do you think we should try tell her?" i suggested, "about the baby?" he asked. "I just think we should at least try get her to understand" i explained. He nodded and picked her up, pulling her onto the couch with us.

"El, do you want to know something?" derek asked her, not really expecting an answer. "El mama has a baby in her tummy" i smiled at her, she crawled over to me. "Baby" she pressed her hand on my abdomen, i nodded. "Your going to be a big sister!" derek tried to get her excited.

She jumped up giggling, she probably didn't really understand what it meant but she looked happy. Derek put his hand on mine, smiling. "I can't wait to meet him, or her" he placed his other hand on my stomach, just like ella had. "Me either, we need to think of names" i reminded him.

"How about thomas?" he suggested, we had started on boys names. "I don't like it" i replied. "Meredith i've listed like 40 names and you don't like any of them" he sounded frustrated. "I like benjamin" i told him, standing my ground. "I told you i don't like it, he was the kid who threw sand at everyone in school" derek complained. "Let's think of girls names instead" i started to think.

"Delilah?" he asked me, "it's pretty but it sounds to similar to ella" i was tired of name suggesting. It was exhausting.
"Lucy?" he continued making lasagne as we listed names. "Too basic, how about harper?" i asked hopefully. "As in harper avery?" he cringed, "right, no" i had mostly given up.

After we put ella to bed and ate dinner together, we sat down at the table, instead of watching tv. We wanted a list of names, one that we made together and we both liked.

"Are you sure you want to be doing this on your birthday?" he asked, not taking his eyes of his laptop. "Yep" i replied, i actually enjoyed parts of this.

"How about anna, or bea" he looked at me hopefully. "Bea isn't bad" i didn't want to reject every idea. I wrote bea on the list, it was pretty but i just wasn't drawn to it.

About an hour later we were almost finished our list of girls names. "Der i have one i love" i bit my lip nervously, "go ahead" he nodded. "Talula, tal, tully or lulu for short" i tried to sell it.

"Meredith i love it" he reassured. I was so relieved we had found one we both loved. He took the list and wrote it at the top, drawing a line through the ones below. "So if it's a girl then talula" he smiled. I nodded back, we had chosen one name, now one to go.

We found boys names harder. Neither of us could find one we both loved. So far we had charlie on the list but nothing else.

As i skimmed through a website list of names, i froze. I came across one that meant something to me.

Derek noticed my change in mood. "Mer are you okay, you look a little pale?" he sounded concerned. "The funny thing is i actually like the name, but i couldn't obviously, given the history" i brushed off the possibility. "What is it?" he was curious. "Noah" i saif softly.

Derek knew my history with him, so there was nothing to hide. "I don't want this to come of the wrong way because i'm so so happy this is how my life turned out" i started. "It's just i went through books of baby names when we found out, and it just makes me think you know" i stopped, feeling emotional.

"You can tell me anything, and i do know, i'm sorry i know it mist be hard for you" he sympathised. "Der if i hadn't miscarried ella would have had two siblings" i said, a fact that broke my heart. Those two babies who never got to even start. "I'm sorry" he came over and hugged me.

"We're so lucky to have a happy, healthy little girl, i cannot imagine our life without her" he brushed strand of stray hair out of my face. "Yeah we really are" i smiled softly.

ugh i'm going back to school tomorrow for the first time in like 5 months and i really don't want to. Anyways the next few chapters will probably have time jumps.