sub rosa (Bellamy Blake x reader)

xc. nakara (7.06)

Someone pulls you to your feet, but now that your anger has faded, you feel nothing.

You're in a daze, Wanlida putting up wall after wall so that your emotions can't reach you and make you lose control again, numbing you to everything around you. Someone pushes your helmet onto your head, and you look up and see Gabriel, his expression unreadable. He wraps an arm around you and guides you through the halls of Bardo as Hope helps Octavia and Echo leads the way. You faintly register the sound of the alarm stopping midway through, and you start to think the alarm was for something unrelated, because everything seems fine.

Every guard, person, or conductor that you pass is calm and minding their own business. No disciples are running down the halls, no invisible people are popping up on your helmet. Everything is fine. You almost feel regret to see everything so calm, your body craving chaos to help distract you from the thoughts in your head. The walls in your mind are holding strong, but the thoughts on the other side are continuously knocking, continuously yelling, begging to be heard. They want to talk about Bellamy and the anguish you feel, but you want none of it. You don't want to feel the pain of grief heavy on your chest. You don't want to feel the bloodthirsty anger and revenge. You don't want to feel any of it, you just want to escape it.

And as you try to outrun your thoughts and your small group tries to outrun danger, you ultimately end up walking right into it.

As you round a corner, there's a person in a guard uniform fighting off three disciples, finishing them off with a knife to the chest. Something about it raises alarms in your head, but you don't really have the energy to think about why. Instead, you follow the others as they pause just down the hall from the guard, who spins around and looks at all of you, sizing you up, before they send their knife flying straight into Hope's helmet. And as you watch the guard running straight towards all of you, prepared to take you out the way she took out the other disciples, you realize that you know her. The recognition and shock is enough to bring some energy back to you and with your eyes locked right on her, you call out, "Diyoza?"

She pauses, and you pull your helmet off to stare at her. Hope pulls her helmet off, staring at her mother in shock, Diyoza inches from killing her own daughter. "Mom?"

Echo and Gabriel take off their helmets as Diyoza starts to cry, pulling her crying daughter towards her. If you knocked down the walls to let your emotions in, you know you'd feel happiness for Hope, glad that at least one of you will get your happy reunion. But you keep the walls firmly in place and stare blankly at them instead, unable to process your emotions right now. Echo seems to feel the same, because she glances at the reunion briefly before turning to glance back down the hall. "Stone Room's this way."

Diyoza turns to look at her, glaring a little for interrupting the reunion. Echo barely meets her eyes before tuning to walk away, and Diyoza turns back to look over all of you in confusion. You feel her eyes rest on you longer than it does on the others, taking in your blank expression, before she locks eyes with Octavia. "What's wrong with them?"

Octavia looks over at her friend, her expression sad as she answers the question. "Bellamy's dead."

Diyoza seems genuinely sorry to hear the news, looking between you and Octavia with sadness before Hope reaches out and grabs Octavia, pulling her closer. Diyoza lifts up a hand and puts it on Octavia's cheek, a quiet show of comfort, and you feel tears rise to your eyes as you watch, the gesture knocking down all of the walls in your head. Because it reminds you of Bellamy, which reminds you that he's dead, and never again will you put your hand on his cheek or experience his hand on your own cheek. You let out a little sniffle, trying hard to keep your tears at bay, and Gabriel squeezes your shoulder in comfort. Octavia spins around towards you, pulling her face close to yours and whispering, "We're almost free, la lune. Can you stay with me until then?"