Winter Wind (YiZhan)

48. Intent

Disappointment and rejection.

Xiao Zhan has felt this time and time again over the course of his journey as an artist, but his consolation had always been that it was part of the fire that he had to go through to become refined.

He had eventually become gold, however what he realized was that no matter how seemingly valuable it was, gold would never be anything more than a commodity.

A thing... rather than a person.

An object, now worthy enough to be used, abused and discarded by the world at will.

This realization had been crushing, because it had made all the effort that he had put in up till that moment seem pointless. Every blood, sweat and tear shed.

And this, had been the darkest depth that he had sunk to.

So he had retreated back into himself and back into doing the things that he wanted, just for the simple pleasure of it.

But then he had watched Yibo dance, along with the little group of people that loved, shared and cherished the passion like nothing else.

And his soul had once again come alive.

Back in March, he had managed to convince himself that if the worse came to worst, he would be content enough to just paint and sing for his sole pleasure.

However Yibo had nudged him towards the script, and he had fallen in love all over again.

He'd gotten up and dove back in, convincing himself that the craft was more important than the woes it's accolades brought, so as long as he still received the opportunities, then he was going to make the most of it.

However now, and as he sets out on the road once again to continue on his journey to Chongqing, he cannot help but return to that dark place where everything seems pointless and unimpressionable. And this is the state that terrifies him the most.

Because having everything mean absolutely nothing, is the clear indication that his soul is once again bleeding.

He had been lucky. The previous wound in March although excruciating, had been manageable enough, and was clotted by his retreat away from the public eye.

But now that he has been slashed open once again, he truly wonders what will keep him afloat this time.

This makes him think of Yibo, and as a result, his mind cannot help but go to the question Nini had asked him.

Are you sure? About him and what you feel for him?

He realizes now, that he hadn't exactly given her a response, but at the time, no major doubt had come into his mind either. Now however, he cannot help but wonder about the underlying question that she had truly been asking. What she had most probably stopped herself from voicing out.

Did he truly love Yibo, or was he just the antiseptic that Xiao Zhan was choosing to hold on to this time around?

In case all else failed... he would still have Yibo, right?

It would not all have been for nothing, right?

He cannot help but think of this now as he drives, because he'd forgotten just how much being tossed away, hurt.

To be attacked was painful in its own right, but the finality of being disposed of was incomparable.

Thus, receiving the report today that he has been considered unworthy due to the risk that he poses to the show's production, has brought him back to this dark place, and it is quite stunning to see that in the midst of it, all he can think of is Yibo.