Winter Wind (YiZhan)

25. Burn

"Yibo," Xiao Zhan calls, making sure to keep his voice as low as is possible. "I'm really not trying to fight with you."

They're cutting up persimmons now, which is the subsequent task that his mother has assigned to them. Perhaps it would be wiser to keep silent so that they can pass this evening together in peace, but not speaking to Yibo when they are in the same vicinity of the other is too unnatural to Xiao Zhan.

It makes him feel as though there is an imbalance, and as though something is not right with his world.

Yibo on the other hand is quite comfortable with silence, which is why when he eventually responds, Xiao Zhan can't help but feel immense relief.

"Really? You could have fooled me."

This response is not exactly sweet or savory, but Xiao Zhan is grateful for it. Especially as Yibo continues to speak.

"Sometimes I feel as if you don't know me. It's either this or you're deliberately trying to misunderstand me."

Xiao Zhan doesn't say a word, hoping that Yibo will continue as he is willing to truly listen to him.

"I know that I have crossed severe lines between us, but from the beginning I have always been open with you. And it hurts that you cannot see this."

Xiao Zhan's response is automatic. "I can Yibo. I really can."

"Then why are you so defensive?" Yibo stops and turns to him. Xiao Zhan meets his gaze, and sees very clearly the hurt in his eyes. He does not have a response for this.

Yibo goes on, his voice now slightly unstable. "It's as though you think that I'm manipulating you."

The corners of Yibo's eyes rim red, and at the intensity of his gaze, Xiao Zhan doesn't dare breathe.

He is afraid to even blink.

"Zhan ge, I'm not. I'm really not. I tease you solely because I want to tease you. I speak to you solely because I want to speak to you. And I... I tell what's in my heart because I never want to hide myself from you. I'm not trying to manipulate you... I just... " he breathes. "You're the only one. You're the only one that I don't want to hide from. Please don't take this away. I'll back off... with the attraction but... I don't want to have to think before I speak when I'm with you. I already do that every where else. I've been doing that since I was a child. I've been doing it for too long."

Xiao Zhan's eyes water, and he wants to touch him. He wants to rest his hand on his cheek to console him, but he is conscious of his mother's presence with them.

"I know," Xiao Zhan says. "I know."

And he really does know.

For the first time he thinks, he is able to clearly see that Yibo is indeed not manipulating him, but at the same time he is, without even realizing it. He is so pure hearted that he doesn't even realize that when he says words like "...you're the only one. You're the only one I don't want to hide from..." he doesn't realize that he is revealing his heart to him and that it is filled with love.

The kind of love that has Xiao Zhan terrified and running scared, because when it comes to Yibo something is holding him back. And as he stares at his open, honest and trusting self, he realizes what it is.

It is the most beautiful thing about Yibo, but at the same time the most dangerous.

And he has been burnt by it before. And deep down he realizes, that he hasn't forgiven Yibo for it. And he doesn't know if he ever will."