Winter Wind (YiZhan)

27. Help

"Zhan ge... what about you?"

Wang Yibo has only voiced this question once but Xiao Zhan feels as though he has already heard it a couple of times.

It keeps repeating in his head... slowly, as he stares down at Yibo.

Xiao Zhan can feel his body begin to shut down, or perhaps it is just going numb from feeling too much. Encased in Yibo's arms and drowning in his gaze, he does indeed feel too much. As though the barricade to his emotions that in every other circumstance is quite effective, has collapsed and given way to the torrent that is Wang Yibo.

Should I tell him the truth?  he wonders, but the anxiety boiling in the pit of his stomach tells him that he isn't ready. That Yibo also isn't ready. And that perhaps what he currently thinks is the truth, actually isn't.

He can't decide.

And at this point, he is certain of nothing beyond the fact that Yibo loves him. And that there is a very high chance that he is in love with him too, but he isn't completely convinced of it yet.

Feelings as powerful as the ones that are currently ripping his insides to shreds are indeed out-of-this-world, phenomenal and magical, but he also knows that a commitment to Wang Yibo had to be established on something that goes beyond the intensity of his feelings.

It has to stem from a conviction in his heart, that Yibo is worth more to him than anything else in his life, because that is exactly what accepting Wang Yibo will threaten- everything else in his life.

Just then, he feels Yibo's arms around him begin to loosen.

Then his gaze breaks away from his and begins to lower, to hide, but Xiao Zhan has already seen the look that has come into them to replace the hope and thrill.

The look in Yibo's eyes is now one of hurt and disappointment... and confusion. Xiao Zhan wants to curse at himself for once again leading him down this path, but he doesn't.

Because this time around he chose this.

He needed this.

And as for the aftermath, he is going to figure it out.

With Yibo.

He hopes.

At Yibo's gradual retreat, Xiao Zhan automatically raises his hand, intent on cradling Yibo's cheek once again but suddenly, there is a loud rap at his bedroom's door.

His heart immediately lurches into his throat, but still he doesn't move away from Yibo. It is as though his body has registered that despite his internal struggle, in Yibo's arms is ultimately where he will find the most peace.

"A'Zhan," his mother call. "Shrimp is here. Your Aunty just brought him over."

Ah the mention of the family's cat, Xiao Zhan cannot help but smile.

"Alright," he replies. "I'll be right there."

"What about Yibo?" she asks. "Where is he?"

His gaze lowers to Yibo's, and for a second he forgets how to breathe.

"He's here," he manages to respond, although it's impossible to miss the strain in his voice. "He's with me. We'll be out soon."

"Alright," his mother replies and walks away. As if on cue at her departure, he hears the cat begin to scrape and meow at his bedroom door and at this, his smile widens even further. He returns his gaze one more time to Yibo and goes still because although there is still some light in his eyes, most of it has been overshadowed by a piercing darkness that he now feels too inadequate to decipher. The pitch of his voice severely drops as he speaks. "Little shrimp is our family cat," he explains.