Winter Wind (YiZhan)

65. Dither

And so he knocks.

He keeps at it, but then he soon realizes that because his phone is in such close proximity to his hand, Yibo will be unable to tell just how hard or how softly he is knocking. And so he reduces his effort, since the last thing that he wants right now is for either of his parents to actually come down to let him in, since this will interrupt his call with Yibo.

For a little while there is nothing but silence between them, but Xiao Zhan's heart is too full to speak anyway and so he just basks in the current circumstance.

He cannot help though but wonder, if Yibo calling him in this way will be a one time only event?

He wants to outrightly ask him if he has been unblocked, indefinitely, but once again he doesn't dare. Everything is still so delicate between them that he fears that the wrong word or statement will instantly send him back to the throes of trying to survive his wounded heart.

So he remains silent, beyond content in the not so simple or easy reality that Yibo is on the other end of the line.

"I..."Yibo suddenly speaks. Softly."For the record... I don't fault you for not responding to me back then. About your stance when it comes to me. It's not your fault that I lost faith. You also lost faith in me."

"And for scolding me. I- I deserved it."

At these words, Xiao Zhan sighs, and once again turns around to lean against the door. He gazes up at the sky and wonders about just what he has to say to make Yibo overcome this stamp of unworthiness branded in his mind.

"Yibo, I can't be completely absolved from fault either. Sure, I was upset that you weren't there for me, but I could have asked you to be. And given you the chance to either accept or reject my request. But I didn't. I pushed you away, and then I resented you for not coming after me."

Silence.

"I should have come after you," Yibo mutters.

"You did," Xiao Zhan says."When you realized what you truly wanted."

Yibo goes quiet again after this, so Xiao Zhan lowers back to sit on the ledge for some comfort, willing to take every bit of his time in addressing these delicate issues between them.

He knows what is still plaguing Yibo, and it is the fact that Yibo's selfish desire for him is what has led them down this dangerous path. And to him, now, it is no longer a reason worthy enough to justify the risk of continuing with it.

"Yibo,"Xiao Zhan says."I want you to be selfish. I want you to fight for me. "

Yibo still doesn't respond, and so Xiao Zhan explains further.

"You know Mei li right? My childhood friend? You called her when you wanted to reach me at Li Ping's home."

"Mn,"Yibo replies.

"We used to be in a relationship. She was the first person I ever dated."

He waits a bit for a reaction, but when Yibo doesn't give him one he continues on.

"She broke up with me, and I didn't know why."

"She didn't tell you?" Yibo asks.

"All she said was that we were better as friends. I was surprised. We'd never fought or had any disagreements. Things were going well and... I respected her. I even enjoyed her company. But then she told it wasn't enough, and I didn't understand why. At the time even she didn't understand why. But a few weeks ago on my birthday, she told me."