Night Changes [N.H]

Chapter 40

Chapter 40

As much as I faked being supportive of Niall when he went out to a tennis match with his friends, I couldn't help feeling hurt.

There was no reason for me to be hurt, though.

There wasn't anything that we could do about it. It wasn't his fault that we couldn't be seen together, and I didn't want to bring us both down by being stuck in the hotel room.

Maybe I was just jealous that he could go out with friends and have fun and do almost whatever he wants, and I couldn't be with the only person that I wanted to be with. Half the food I ate didn't agree with me, I couldn't sleep through the night, and my back was sore.

I got to walk around the city and I even went to the beach, but none of it felt satisfying. I was surrounded by people, but I had never felt more alone. 

Most people who were almost 7 months pregnant were bursting with excitement, and I didn't even know if I wanted to have the baby. It's not like I had a choice. The baby was coming whether I liked it or not, whether we would be able to support him or not.

I didn't hate the baby, I didn't hate Niall, and I didn't hate myself. I just hated the situation we were in. I contemplated calling the livestream off and just telling the whole world about the baby and me, but it would put me in an even worse position than I was already in.

If we told people at this stage in my pregnancy, we wouldn't be able to have the privacy we needed when the baby came. I wanted the baby to have a relaxing first few months, because the rest of his life would be crazy. 

However, at least I would be able to do things with Niall and not be so paranoid about anybody with a camera or a One Direction sweatshirt. 

Not only did I want the baby to have a relaxing beginning, but I also wanted to have a relaxing beginning as a parent. The rest of my life after our announcement would be insane, and I would never be able to hide from the cameras again. 

The livestream had been the best option since the beginning, and I knew it would be smart to stick with it in the long run, even if I hated how things were now. 

I had never talked to Niall about my feelings about this. He was getting so excited, and I didn't want to crush him by explaining all of the hiding I would have to do.

I felt like, as time went on, he was getting less careful and more excited, and I was getting more protective and more dreadful.

I didn't know if he even understood what would happen. He didn't know how I was feeling. And I made an agreement with myself that I couldn't tell him, even if it ruined me.

I felt anger, and I didn't know if it was towards Niall. I felt angry at him, but I had no right to be. I wasn't angry with him, I didn't even know where my anger was coming from.

I was angry at the situation we found ourselves in.

If he was suffering, he sure didn't show it.

He was happier than I had ever seen him. And I smiled to go along with him.

Maybe all moms felt this way, that they weren't ready for a child. What mom is ready to be responsible for a child? Definitely not one that had only been with the father for as long as she was pregnant, who she couldn't even show her face with in public.

It broke me to pieces. 

I was angry that I had to bring a child into this lifestyle. I thought about what I had talked to my mom about back in New York, about how so many children of celebrities turn out to be unhappy with their lives.