Burning Out

25- CD

Song (mentioned later in the chapter)- Rich Girl by Daryl Hall & John Oates

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Flashback to Farrah age 8

"Dad?" I say as I stroll through the dim kitchen.

It's only 6am in the morning so it's still dark but normally on my birthday mum and dad are up to say happy birthday to me. I haven't seen mum in around a year now, I still think that she will come back to me eventually though. 

She told me that she'll see me again one day. I don't know where she's gone but I think that I'll see her again. A week after she left and I realised that she wasn't coming back any time soon, I blocked it from my mind so I will only think about her on unusual occasions. 

Today is June 23rd and it's my birthday. I've always loved my birthday because I get presents and have parties with my family but something feels different this year, maybe it's because mum isn't here. 

This is one of the few times that I allow myself to think about her and I wish that she was here. She always made me a cake on my birthday, last year she made me a princess cake and told me that I'm her little princess. It's my first birthday without her. 

If I was her princess then why would she leave me? I just want to be her little princess again.

My bare feet pat along the cold tiles as I tread through and into the living room. It's dark and empty in here, but it's not normally.

Normally on my birthday there are banners and balloons hung up on the walls and there are presents wrapped in pretty lilac wrapping paper. Maybe dad is just going to surprise me later.

I always have lilac wrapping paper because it's my favourite colour. It's been my favourite colour for a really long time now. 

It became my favourite colour when mum put one of my favourite white dresses in the wash with a different coloured sock, when it came out of the washing machine it had changed colour and become lilac. I loved that lilac dress and the colour forever after that. 

I had another panic attack yesterday, it was at school. Luckily it was in the bathroom though so nobody could hear me. 

Dad tells me that if anyone finds out about my panic attacks then I will be treated differently and my classmates will bully me, so I keep them a secret and make sure that nobody finds out. 

I don't really know what panic attacks are, all that I know is that it feels like I can't breathe and all I want to do is switch it all off. It hurts sometimes, I don't know what it is that hurts, but it hurts in my chest. 

"Dad?" I call out again, louder this time so that my little voice can carry up the stairs. 

When I don't get a reply again, I walk up the stairs and back into my bedroom. I need to get ready for school or I will be late. It takes me a while to walk to school because dad tells me I'm too young to get the tube alone but he refuses to drive me because he says that he's too busy.

He always used to drive me to school. He would sit in the driver seat and mum would sit in the passenger seat and they would both kiss me goodbye and then at the end of the day they would pick me up again.

I now walk to school and back home all alone. It's scary sometimes because I'm only small and I get scared when people stare at me walking alone but nothing bad has happened so far so I think that I will be okay.

I like going to school because I get to see my best friend. My best friend is called Katie, she has been my best friend for the last 4 years of primary school. I'm in year 3 right now. Katie and I met in reception on our first day and we have been best friends all through year 1, 2 and now 3.