Burning Out

32- blueberry muffins

Song— idfc by blackbear

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Yet again, Leonardo faded to become distant for a few days after he took me to the race track. He came into work less and less and I ended up barely speaking to him in the past three days.

I don't know where he goes or what occupies his time, but he just vanishes randomly. He's unreliable and it's risky to involve myself with someone like him.

Am I going to take the risk? Well, it looks like I already have. I haven't dived head first into the deep end, but I am gradually inching through the water until eventually it washes over my head and who knows, maybe it'll even drown me.

Everything might backfire on me, taking these risks might be the most stupid decision I ever make, but at least I'll get to experience some kind of life compared to what I used to live back in London. Thinking back to that time only makes me feel like I'm suffocating in the hell I was living.

I know that I was so privileged compared to a lot of people; I had a stable income— until I got fired— I had a roof over my head, I had food and clean water, as well as three dependable friends. But, I was still drowning in that environment, no matter how hard I tried to run away from my problems they always stuck out their foot and tripped me over.

Now it seems as though there's clearer path for me to run down, I can see the light in the distance and everything is starting to brighten up. I haven't had a panic attack in quite a long time and at points I've genuinely felt happy.

I'm currently sat in the living room of mine and Olly's apartment, staring out the huge windows through to the depths of the city and watching the life pass by.

I came home from work at the same time that Olly went out on a job. He decided to let me stay here alone since everything in terms of my safety has been stable for quite a long time now. It's not that he gets to make decisions for me, I'm my own person, but he's got the better expertise on this topic so I'll let him make the executive decision.

I did speak to Otis earlier and he said that he might come around later to say hello, but Olly warned me not to open the door to anyone so I guess I'll just pretend I'm not home when he knocks on the door.

The sun is beginning to set and the beauty of the familiar glow is starting to weave through the buildings surrounding me. I often think about how lucky I am to even experience this level of beauty. It's so pure and natural, the simple colours of the sky can fill me with such warmth and joy.

Climbing up to walk further towards the window, I place my warm hand along the cold glass, a fogged outline forming to surround my hand due to the contrasting temperatures. The cars all look so tiny from up here, and the people are even smaller.

Each person has their own life and has no-idea that I'm up here watching them. I wonder how many people have watched me when I haven't realised it.

I wonder what their perception of my life would be— if they've seen me with my friends and been envious, or if they saw me at my lowest and felt sorry for me. Each individual has their own story, and in every second that passes I'm writing mine.

Drawing my hand away from the chilling glass, I step back to return to the comfort of the sofa, collapsing into the cushions and picking up the remote to switch on the TV to see if there's anything for me to watch.

After scrolling endlessly and not finding anything, I decide to call Leah instead. I end up talking to her for at least an hour, gossiping about everything going on inside our lives, as well as her telling me about the work that Rebekah has got involved in. All through this conversation, the sun's beam only depended into a red glow, casting the light all around the apartment.