TW: SUICIDE, DRUGS, DEPRESSION
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A bunch of Teenagers who want to find their way around the world.
Especially two people who slowly find their love for each other.
...
now I am sitting here and writing to you, although I know that you will never read it. I just have to go somewhere with all of this, I have to feel like I'm telling you all of this, and reminding myself that it will never get anywhere is tearing me apart.
your family gave me a hard drive that has the entire content of your PC copied (your folder structures and files); probably thought I should get it. Our chat history from your phone was also on it, not completely, because they had to reinstall everything ... I read a bit in it. Your mom must have too. I don't think you would have liked it. Although ... maybe you just wouldn't have cared.
When we didn't know each other, Marlon asked me if I had never noticed.
You would have told him back then that I would be the only one who would be suitable for you. Why didn't we talk about it back then? So I could at least have felt a little more of your love.
I'm watching Skins UK right now. I don't really pay attention tho because I've already watched it with you anyway, it's only on because it drives away the quiet that would otherwise eat me up.
My eyes have been swollen for days.
The first night with feverish dreams. I saw you. You followed me ... and the night after I didn't sleep.
I couldn't.
Since Tuesday I'm pretty close to the end. So many times I've talked to someone about it and then when I read what Marlon wrote ... I couldn't believe it, and I still can't believe it.
I think about you all the time. I was so scared of losing you forever that I never let it get to me. I just didn't want to imagine it, you can't imagine it, you can't feel it until you actually experience it. How should someone understand me who has not experienced it?
Worst of all, it's not the first time something like this has happened.
How am I supposed to understand that I will never see you again? Never again just write to you at night and talk to you about everything. Never kiss you again nor feel it. The first night I wrote to you even though I knew it wouldn't arrive. I had to, I had to convince myself that the recipient was not being erased.
I am incredibly afraid that there will be nothing left, that you might be nowhere, and that I won't see you again either when I'm dead.
I would love to talk to you one last time. I would even accept your decision if I could just tell you how much I love you ... and hear it from you.
