I've Changed

8. tulips and daisies

[i'll give you guys one more]

"Whether it takes months, years, or even forever I will not give up until I have shown you how much I've changed."

Seems impossible.

When he asked, "How are you?" I knew where the conversation was going. I considered kicking his balls or delivering a ninja chop to his Adam's Apple, but I realised he was already having trouble uttering the words "Hey Ellie Mae."

I was relishing the moments when I could sense his fear radiating from his body in the way his hands shook, his breaths were shaky, his tentative steps to catch up with me were hesitant, and his eyes desperately searched the area. I could tell he was nervous just being in my presence, which is something I'm used to, but his faith in his words remained.

"My biggest regret is leaving you"

After our conversation there was no doubt that Jae Foster had changed, but I'm still conflicted about his past and present self. I caught a glimpse of Jae's new mentality, but I'll never forget what he did to me.

The images of him repeatedly shattering my heart and forcing me to piece it back together on my own are now etched in my mind and soul. His brutal behavior inspired me to become the person I am today, and I am not happy about it. I didn't want to allow myself the pleasure of missing him because his smile and laughter in high school, when I thought we had something, would come to mind every time his name came up in conversation.

But within two hours, he has persuaded me that he would do a great job at making up for his many mistakes. I didn't believe the words that came out of his mouth, but the trust in his tone and the honesty of his dark hazel eyes convinced me otherwise. I've known Jae since we were kids, and at that moment, I hated myself for not wanting to know that he was trustworthy and committed to his word.

On the outside, I tried to appear calm and unaffected by his candid remarks, but on the inside, my stomach was doing cartwheels, my mind was wandering to parallel realities, my body was overwhelmed with nerves and fear, and my thoughts were scrambled up into jumbles. I was masking my fear and anxiety because I promised myself I would not give any man the pleasure of my weakness.

Fear and remorse were gradually replaced with excitement and hope as I eagerly wanted to know more about this new side of him that I had hoped to see. I'm finally motivated to learn more, even though it's ridiculous and unworthy of him to have such influence over me.

I almost want him to fail so I can watch him struggle and suffer as I did, but I know no one, not even Jae, is worthy of my pain.

That is why, rather than living in fear, I have learned to use my past mistakes as learning opportunities. My first one gives in far too easily, giving in to his demands whenever he gets the chance... I'm not going to make this a simple task for him; I want Jae to fight and demonstrate his commitment to whatever confidence he has in our mutual reliability. I'm not going to forgive and forget like the first time; instead, I'm going to terrorise and torment him. That's where the fun is.

In all honesty, I have no idea what he's doing, but I do know it'll take more than his green and brown speckled eyes and seductive words to convince me back into his life.

"I don't care if you are my friend, enemy, or stranger I will not give up until I've proven my worth and have you back in my life"

*ding dong*

As I sit on the couch, my head spins to the door, confused by the unexpected visitor. I glance at the time, only to realise it's already 8 p.m., and I'm working on the masquerade ball preparations with various links and websites open on my laptop, which is propped up on my lap.