I've Changed

51. smiley face

My breath shortens as my whole body freezes in response to those words. My body goes numb since I'm not conscious or aware of where I'm at all. When he looks at me through his eyes, which tell me so much about what he's feeling, my heart beats faster and faster. The brown specks that stand out against the golden hues of the lanterns are telling me all of his feelings. My stomach twists and turns as if I'm expecting it, but I don't want it.

"No, you don't," When he sees me stand up, a frown approaches his lips for a split second, then he covers it with a sheepish grin. "You fucking don't, Jae."

"Ellie Mae, I love you. I've always had and I always will," Jae stands up, causing me to step back and hold out a hand.He comes to a stop, his eyes staring at me that I'm too scared to look into because I know I'll just find the truth.

"You're not supposed to love me, Jae," My heart beat becomes loud enough for me to hear in my ears as I shake my head, frantically looking around. "I-I got too close," I murmur to myself as I watch Jae furrows his brows and stare intently at me. "It wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. I can't lo-" I choke on my words, unable to utter them because of the trauma they reflect.

"Ellie Mae, I'm willing to wait. I told you that I would wait forever for you, that I would wait until you were ready," I'm dizzy from the intense feeling and pounding in my thoughts and heart, he says. "You don't have to say anything, but I just want you to know that someone cares about you."

"Jae, I made promises to myself long before you came back," I say, taking a step back and tossing the blanket on the table as I feel suffocated and unable to breathe as he speaks. "I've already broken every single one for you, and I-I can't just do that now."

"What are you afraid of?" he says and I look around because I don't want to see the hurt in his eyes, when his tone is low and quiet, indicating that he's sincerely concerned and hurt. I figured it was going to happen because I'd become so close to him that I'd practically played him along.I was hoping for a great time out the entire night, but I just knew he'd tell me enough with the way his eyes and voice spoke to me. I've had hints and signals for months that he's gotten close, too close, and that I'll have to let him go. I can't be with anybody, I can't ever have feelings for anyone, but my heart breaks when I watch him sadly look at the ground then at me, knowing that all I'm doing is hurting him, but I have no choice.

"I was hurt because I thought I loved someone so much to the point that I would do anything for them. It's something I don't want to happen again," I try to say calmly through my tears, but seeing his glistening eyes makes it more difficult. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning away, knowing that it hurts him just as much as it hurts me, but I don't care about anything...not even him.

"And it won't," When he looks at me from his hazel eyes, he says confidently, his voice slightly broken. I can't get enough of his hazel eyes, the ones that draw me in and drag me unintentionally into his arms and warmth, where I always feel protected and cared for.

"I promised myself that I would never care or lo-" I come to a halt, taking a deep breath, and then glancing at the basket in the corner as an excuse to look away from him. "I will never love or care about anyone because it would always reflect badly on me. I am the person I am today not because of you, not because of your pity, but because of actual pain and suffering," I watch his face fall, a tear trickling down his cheek at my harsh words.

"I can't love or care about something or anyone, Jae, not my friends, family, myself, or even you," I say, watching as he takes a tiny step back, shattering my heart for him. For fully breaking his heart after all of our efforts to put it back together. His features softening as he looks at me with utter pain but a bit of understanding, making me slightly annoyed he's acting stubborn at my rejection. His expression showing all the hurt I've never seen before, by the way tears spill out of his eyes but he does not respond to them, his eyes and cheeks red for keeping the sadness back.